


one single thread of gold (tied me to you)

by letusbebrave



Series: invisible string [2]
Category: The Haunting of Bly Manor (TV)
Genre: F/F, Happy Ending AU, Hurt/Comfort, Soulmates AU, basically an alternative soulmates perspective, jamie pov
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-27
Updated: 2021-01-16
Packaged: 2021-03-09 21:20:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 33,910
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27732928
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/letusbebrave/pseuds/letusbebrave
Summary: Moments pass against as they share a gaze. Then Dani is leaning towards her and she pulls back. Because she’s not ready. Not ready for what comes when they kiss and Dani touches her. Because in the back of her mind, she knows. She knows there isn’t any going back once they’ve touched.Invisible strings tie them togetheraka a soulmate!au
Relationships: Dani Clayton/Jamie, Hannah Grose/Owen Sharma (mentioned)
Series: invisible string [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2028643
Comments: 110
Kudos: 385





	1. i'm not ready (for the weight of us)

**Author's Note:**

> this is a companion of my last work, but this one will be AU in the ending

Jamie’s first knowledge with the soulmark was the day her mom bolted.

Thinking back, Jamie should have known that her mom was going to leave anyways. It’s days between when she’s at the house and when she’s out. Her mom had been always one foot out the door. 

She was too young before to really realize what a soulmark or god forbid a soulmate was. She had been too busy trying to figure out how to live in the fucked up family she found herself a part of. She knew that her family was different, it didn’t take the bullying at school to teach her that. 

Her dad was barely around, only popping up on occasions back home and her mom… well Louise was worse than Dad. 

Jamie grew up on canned soup and freeze-dried microwavable dinners. Some days they’d resort to eating stale, expired bread they could smear some peanut butter on and call it a meal. On her fingers she can count the amount of times they’ve all eaten together. Otherwise, it's free for all in regards to the food available in the house. Denny wasn’t a big help even at 14, so it usually was her and Mikey. 

When she’s ten, Jamie thinks she felt something. Her mouth feels different, a strange aching pulls at her teeth and gums. She knows better than to cry out. No comfort comes from her house these days. Instead, she sits and cries silently to herself, her mouth aches and she doesn’t know why. It’s in these moments that she wished she had normal parents that her classmates had. Not the two people she was stuck with that barely remembered they were parents in the first place. She lays alone in bed and wonders if this is what it means to have a soulmate. Does it just mean hurting? Her teeth ache and she wishes for someone to comfort her.

Minutes pass and the ache subsides to where Jamie can’t decide if it was real or not. Had she just woken up from a bad dream?

Jamie presses a finger to her teeth and finds no more ache. She ends up putting it up to a bad dream or eating too much sugar. So she falls asleep and the memory fades as well.

No more pains ail her when she’s still at home. 

Her dad is gone under the earth and her mom is under a stranger who she can’t remember the name of. They circle through her house frequently, her mother always explained that they were there because she was looking for something. Jamie didn’t understand then what was happening. She just knew that the men would be there for a night or two and then would disappear. Her mother had given up trying to hide them. Instead, she’d awake to find a man sitting and eating the last of the cereal she had been saving for today. They become a blur and one of the only constants she has in this life.

She gets sadder and Denny gets madder. He’s so angry now at home and she doesn’t understand why. All she knows is he doesn’t stop the kids from taunting her and even calls her the same names they call their mom. He’s become more withdrawn and Jamie barely sees him around anymore. His room is full of holes that he’s punched in the walls. Anytime she tries to talk to him, he just pushes her out of the way and off he goes. Sometimes he says the same words they taunt at her at school when he talks about her mom and her. 

She doesn’t know what a whore is. All she knows is that it’s bad and it makes her go red from her toes to her ears. Because Jamie knows she’s not that. She’s not bad. No, she’s a good kid, isn’t she? Messages from the rest of the world say something else, but she keeps the mantra up in her head whenever the teasing gets harsher and they throw rocks once she’s gotten to her front door. 

As a kid, she didn’t know what her mother was looking for. 

Now, she realizes that her mother was going through men trying to find the supposed one. Trying to find someone who lit up colors on her arm to leave her old life behind. Louise paid no mind to the rest of the world, instead trying to find someone who would put colors on her. No matter if she had kids or not, she was gone before Jamie could realize this time it was forever.

Jamie promised herself she’d never do the same as she held onto Mikey after coming home from school to his absolute wailing. He was crying and she felt anger rise up for perhaps the first time about the situation. It wasn’t fair. She’d never give up her life for someone who gave her colors.

She’d never let someone in that could destroy her entire life. 

* * *

Fifteen is when she finally knows that she has a soulmate, out there somewhere. She’s asleep and wakes up gasping. Her hands grap at her throat because it’s like she can’t _breathe_. There’s nobody to cry out to, so she sits and panics. 

Is this how she dies? 

At a foster house with the door locked between the family and her. The family who wasn’t the worst, but still kept her locked away from their kids. She’s too rough around the edges now to be fully accepted into a family. She’d be a lifer. 

Once she was sixteen, she’d leave and never look back. God knows where and God knows what, but she’d be gone. She’d leave the old perverted men who’s hands lingered too long on her. She’d never have to feel men grope up her shirt anymore. She’d never have to see the inside of anyone else’s home and marriage. 

Foster care hadn’t been good for her, not at all. She wasn’t Annie, nobody came to save her from her hard life to whisk her away. No, she was left in the dirt, being bounced around from home to home. Never stayed anywhere long enough to really feel like it was a home instead of just a house. 

The only saving grace of it all was Mikey. He had found a nice family that had adopted him soon after he entered foster care. Denis never got his shit together enough to get them back. The new parents were fine if she called to say hello sometimes, but Mikey was 4 and wouldn’t even remember her half the time. So she had given up on that. Let him live the best life he could. She was happy that he’d never have to go through what she did. 

She’ll leave foster care and never look back. 

But those future plans may be halted because she may die right here and now. 

Her eyes bulge and she desperately tries to take a breath in. 

_Breathe, goddamnit,_ she thinks into existence as she sucks in air. Her own throat isn’t closed, but it feels that way nonetheless. Breathing is hard for the next few minutes, she gasps and tries to pull in as much air into her lungs that she can. 

_Breathe_ , she wills into existence. Because even though she doesn’t want her soulmate to mark her, she doesn’t want her to _die_. She doesn’t want anyone to die, not really, not like what she said to people. 

Still in the back of her mind, Jamie doesn’t think she’s a bad person. No matter what everyone else says. 

* * *

Jamie’s twenty when she feels it again. She’s out in the green house and she drops to her knees. Nobody is around to hear her whimper in pain as she clutches at her wrist. She’s at low security anyways, so there aren’t any guards that come searching for her while she’s quiet. No, she gardens in the silence. Enjoys it more than she enjoys the loud inside anyways. 

She’s locked up for another year with good behavior. Her therapist has been the saving grace of this prison along with the gardening. 

Finally she finds something that she can do. She can pour her effort into these plants and make something happen. Not everything she touches turns to dust, no she can build life within her hands. 

And after spending the last few years accepting the label of bad, she doesn’t want it anymore. 

She just wants to be left alone to live her life and do something that she’s good at. 

The pain in her wrist doesn’t help her cause. Because to live this boring life she has planned out, she needs the source of the pain in her wrist to not exist. She needs whoever is out there to stay wherever they are and never meet her. 

She’s taken to wearing long sweaters and shirts to make sure any accidental touching doesn’t mark her. Her hands get covered in gloves of different forms. Her gardening gloves are a good fit and Jamie wishes to wear them everywhere if she could. Instead, when she’s out, she buys herself a few pairs of nice gloves with the little money she has left in her pockets. It’s a good investment, she thinks as she puts on the first pair. 

A good way of knowing that she wouldn’t be forced into breaking the promise she had made to herself all those years ago. 

* * *

The ad in the paper was looking for a groundskeeper. 

Bly is far enough away from London to perk her ears. Being out of jail had made her options limited, but she wanted to try. She knew her references were decent and her skills would be put to good use, so she made the trip up to Bly with only the clothes on her back and a bit of cash on her. 

The estate was beautiful. Absolutely stunning that her jaw slacked a little looking. It was beautiful, but she could see so much needed to be done. The bushes were overgrown and where a garden of flowers once was laid a pit of clunked up dirt.

She could fix it. 

Lady Wingrave is the first person she met once she got to the property. Jamie has nicer clothes on than she normally would, having found some old business clothes at a secondhand store before coming up to Bly. She felt uncomfortable in the skirt, it was nothing she would wear regularly, but she wanted to make a good impression. So she sucked it up and spent a couple quid on the outfit. 

She allows herself to be led around the grounds, soaking up everything that was being said. She could tell this place was very special to the Windgraves and she can understand why. She listens as Lady Wingrave tells her that she is in charge of the hiring at the estate and their last groundskeeper had moved out of town after finding his soulmate. “It was quite romantic, dear,” she says and Jamie suppresses the urge to roll her eyes and scoff at the comment. There was absolutely nothing romantic about finding someone and ditching, no, ruining your entire life. 

She tries to calm herself down as she continues to walk behind her. Not everything is like Louise and that bloke. Lots of people end up happily married, but it leaves a bitter taste in her mouth. 

“Well, we aren’t here all the time, mind you. But you’d be expected to work year round, would that be a problem?”

“No, ma'am.”

“No, call me Charlotte please,” she brushes her off, like the title bothers her. “During the summers, we will all be here and expect to have flowers in the house as permitted. The children are 4 and 6 currently, so please excuse them if they bump into anything or rip out anything special.”

Jamie didn’t know how good with kids she could be. The last time she had truly been around them was with Mikey and that was nearly 13 years ago now. Her thoughts drifted to Mikey for a moment, wondering where he was and if he was still happy. After she had left, the number she used to call got disconnected. The family had probably moved, but she still worried. Happiness was all she wanted for him. She quickly brushes off the intruding thought, putting her entire attention to what the woman in front of her is saying. 

“Of course you’d have days off and the winter months can get so dreadfully cold. We’d just need you to keep up any maintenance on the grounds during the winter, keep an eye on the property while we’re away. We do like to come up for the holidays, so you’d need to be around making sure we’d get the tree inside and there are flowers during that time. ” Lady Windgrave’s attention is focused on her and Jamie feels small compared to her. This woman seemed larger than life. Her entire presence was wonderful and Jamie felt seen. Lady Windgrave knew about her time locked away, but hasn’t judged her upon it. She’s kind and Jamie wants to be around it more. She has a way of talking that made it seem like her entire world was focused on Jamie. 

“There’d be a trial period to see if you like the job, but you’ll be paid handsomely during the time, don’t expect you to work for free. No, I think you’ll fit just perfectly,” and Jamie does feel like she could fit here, just not in the skirt. 

The grounds call out to her in a way that thrills her. 

So much to do and learn and _fix_. 

Jamie would fix it all. 

* * *

When Charlotte and Dominic die, she hurts. She learns about it when she arrives at the manor and Henry’s car is there. He’s never around when they are away. She enters the house and there’s quiet. 

And she knows something is wrong immediately. 

Flora and Miles are never quiet. Not during the summer when they are ready to go at the spring of dawn. 

Hannah is the first person she sees and she can see she’s been crying. Her heart hurts because whatever has happened is bad. 

“They’re gone,” Hannah says and Jamie doesn’t understand. Loss is something she’s dealt with, but never death. She wasn’t quite sure which one was worse. 

She keeps her shit together and is able to give Hannah a hug, who cries out on her shoulder about how unfair this all is. They were good people and they had _kids_. 

Kids who were orphans and alone. No, Jamie knew that the three of them would make sure that Flora and Miles were never alone. 

She finds Flora off in the graveyard one morning before anyone else is up. Hannah and her have been bouncing back watching after the kids. Jamie has spent more days in the guest bedroom than she can count. Poor Hannah has been carrying the weight of both Charlotte and Dominic. Henry is nowhere to be seen these days, he hadn’t even come to the funeral. Owen and Hannah had both gone with her. Owen had come on one year after her, so she hasn’t felt like the new kid on the ground in quite a while. But now the grounds feel empty. 

It felt like she was burying a member of her own family. 

She hadn’t seen anyone in her family in years, so the group at Bly had become her family. It’s been 2 good years working at Bly. She had fixed the gardens and worked nearly everyday keeping up the property. She took two days off a week, just to get stuff at home done. But now those days are filled with caring for Miles and Flora. 

“Flora?” she asks as she sees a head pop up by the graveyard. 

Flora doesn’t respond, just turns back to looking down at the graves. 

“Why aren’t mum and dad buried here?” she asks once Jamie’s reached her side. She’s just come back from her first day off the grounds and it’s a little alarming to see her out alone in the morning. Her eyes glance pass around the area before she squats down next to Flora. 

“What do you mean, love?” she asks. 

“Mum and dad aren’t buried here. Uncle Henry said that they wouldn’t have wanted to be buried here, but that doesn’t make sense.”

Jamie remembers when she was young and thought of the world so black and white. There was a graveyard here, so of course Flora wondered why her parents weren’t buried on the grounds. 

She wishes for words that could make sense of the world that laid ahead of Flora now, but none come to mind. Instead, she decides to just tell the truth in a way that hopefully can ease some of the trauma. “I don’t know, Flora. But I do know that your mum and dad loved you oh so very much.”

“Did you know they weren’t at their funeral?” 

Jamie shakes her head. She knows that their bodies weren’t in the caskets, but who in their fucking right mind told that to a nearly 7 year old? 

“Funerals are strange,” Jamie ends up saying after thinking for a moment. “Doesn’t mean it always makes sense, even to adults. But I imagine, funerals are more for the living. It’s a way to say goodbye.”

Flora is quiet, her fingers rubbing against the gravestone in front of them. Jamie doesn’t spend much time in the graveyard. She usually leaves it a bit longer than the rest of the grounds. An unsettledness rests in this area of the manor. She always feels like someone is watching her here. 

“I don’t want to say goodbye.”

It breaks Jamie’s heart. Because of course she doesn’t. Flora is so lovely and deserves so much more than this lot she’s been dealt. 

“That’s alright,” Jamie says and tilts forwards until her knees hit the cold ground. “Don’t think you have to say goodbye if you don’t want.”

“Really?” 

Innocence can be heard in her voice, because Flora is looking for someone to help her. She’s looking for someone who understands. Jamie doesn’t really know what it’s like to have loving parents who die, but she does know about losing parents. She knows what she wishes had been said to her in those moments. What she wishes hadn’t been said to her, about finding a new family or it being better here. No, all she had wanted in those moments was someone to just say it was okay. To tell her whatever she was feeling was okay. There was no wrong way to feel. 

“Really, I say as much and you know I’m in charge round here.”

“No you’re not!” Flora giggles and it’s like the sun has finally shown again. Laughter is so much better than silence. “Ms. Grose says _she’s_ in charge!” 

* * *

She doesn’t take days off work. Jamie can remember the amount of days she’s been absent from work on two hands. 

But that day, she can’t go to work. 

She wakes up with a gasp in the middle of the night. Breathing hurts as she turns on the light near her bed. She needs to be able to see as she grabs at her chest. 

An overwhelming wave of grief and shock rushes hard over her. She’s not sure how long it takes for her to regulate her breathing again. 

One. Two. Three.

She counts aloud, letting her heart rate go back down. Her therapist had taught her the trick to getting her mind to quiet down when all she could feel was anger. But this is different. This is an abyss of sadness that she’s never dealt with. Quietly she moves outside of her covers. It’s only the early spring and she shouldn’t be so hot, but she is. Heat pulses through her and she’s sweating. 

“It’s ‘ight,” she says to herself as she keeps a hand pressed to her sternum. “It’s not you,” she repeats again, taking more deep breaths in.

For the next day, she stays in bed. She doesn’t even ring Hannah to let her know she’ll be out. She just sits on her bed and processes whatever she felt. 

Pain. 

Pain haunts her day. Not physical, but deep within herself. 

Pain and shame. 

Shame that paints itself over her heart like blood in the night. 

It takes the entire day for her to remember that these aren’t her feelings. She’s not dying, it’s _her_ , wherever she is. 

And that doesn’t make it better, knowing that somewhere her _person_ is going through this amount of trauma. She presses against her forehead, hoping to make her feel something other than the all encompassing grief. Hoping for a way to tell whoever was out there that she felt what they were going through. She would share this pain happily if it meant she didn’t feel it so immensely. 

Jamie would fix it. 

* * *

The au pair is a bit strange. Rebecca came from London and she hadn’t felt this weight on her when they met. Perhaps it was because they had all greeted her together. But this time, Jamie had been too busy to get out to properly introduce herself. No, her day had been spent fixing flowers that somehow had gotten trampled. She hoped to manage to save the row, even if a few individual plants would need to be replaced. 

So when she goes to grab lunch, she doesn’t even introduce herself. Because she’s seen the au pair and the world suddenly feels right. 

A world that has always felt wrong to Jamie now feels like it makes sense. Try as she might, she can’t brush off the feeling of knowing her. 

It’s impossible for the two of them to have met before. Jamie’s never been to America and hasn’t left Bly in years. No, this kind of knowing scares her. 

And when she’s scared, she shuts down. Therapy had helped her realize some of her most destructive behavior, but it’s been years since she’s been in it. Now she just hears the words ring in her ear and she has to deal with it herself.

She barely glances at the au pair as they sit and eat. 

No one had been on the grounds, but she’ll sort them out if they try. Sometimes tourists come onto the property as if they’re in a fooking museum or something. 

Bly is welcoming, entering the property made you want to stay. So strangers felt more comfortable being able to wander around. But Jamie had scared a few off a few months back. She wonders if they came back to sneak more peaks of the property. 

The first time she gets to properly talk to the au pair, _Dani_ , alone is when she’s about to go into the house to fix a crack and she flies out of the door and behind one of the plants in the front. 

And inside, Jamie knows that this is a panic attack. She’s had plenty herself and maybe it’s sympathy pains that send the hyperventilating vibrating inside her own chest. She shakes this thought away quickly, because there is no way she is feeling what Dani is going through. No. 

“You alright?” 

And she knows she’s not. She knows by the whispers of sobs behind the bush that Dani isn’t alright. “Kids, run you ragged.” 

The small, pained _yeah_ rings heavy in her head and she knows she has to talk. She can’t leave Dani gasping to air. No, she would never be able to do that.

“Well, people really. All of ‘em. That’s why I prefer plants. Easy to get along with. And if I don’t like one, one looks at me kinda funny, I can always just…” and she motions to kill one. “So if it’s child rearing advice you’re after, I’d just start there maybe.” 

And Dani laughs. Her heart feels lighter hearing it. Weight is no longer bearing against her chest. Laughter is so much better than silence. Dani smiles and Jamie can breath again. Even though she can only see a glimpse of Dani’s face, she doesn’t pull forward. She stays behind giving her space to breath and feel whatever it is she’s feeling. 

“There we are.”

“It’s not so bad, right?”

Dani breaths another yeah into the air and Jamie knows that she’s not done yet. There’s still something weighing her down, so Jamie shares. 

“I cry, three maybe four times a day around here. Five if I’m really being honest with myself. How else do you think I keep all these fucking plants watered?” Their eyes meet and Jamie only knows she wants to keep helping Dani, because Dani’s looking at her so intently with a half smile on her face. So Jamie keeps going. “With my endless well of deep, inconsolable tears. That’s how. It’s what got me the job in the first place.” 

Dani huffs out another laugh, but Jamie keeps going. Because there is still a bit of weight on her own chest and needs to bring comfort to the woman in front of her. The same woman who she felt like she had known for years. 

“Look, you’re doing great,” Dani doesn’t move at the comment, so she says it again, “you’re doing great.”

“Thank you.” 

Jamie smiles at the thanks, but it isn’t deserved. She just hates seeing a pretty girl upset, she reasons with herself. It’s nothing more than that. 

“Anytime. Alright, back to it then. Chin up, Poppins.”

She can feel Dani’s eyes watch her the entire way into the house. It sends shivers down her spine because she _knows_ even before seeing if Dani has color splattered somewhere on her body. Even though she tries to reason that Dani is most likely straight and has a _fiancé_. She probably has colors on her skin. 

(But deep down, Jamie just knows. She knows and there's an ache inside of her.)


	2. but i'll take my time (if you want to)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gardening has always been her escape from everything, but everything reminds her of Dani these days.

No matter what she was doing by the manor, Jamie gets used to seeing Dani around. She seems to be around every corner. Wishes they could avoid each other, but that’s just her stubborn brain thinking. In reality, she wants to be closer to Dani. Gravity pulls her to Dani in a way she hasn’t felt before. 

Something about the au pair called out to her. Dani would laugh with the kids and Jamie would lean closer, trying to hear more of the sound. (She’d spend the rest of her life telling Dani jokes if it gave her that laugh in her life.) 

Gardening has always been her escape from everything, but everything reminds her of Dani these days. Red in the flowers blooming remind her of the heat in Dani’s cheeks after she’s been running around with the kids. Laughter fills the gardens again in the time that Dani’s been around. After losing their parents and then Rebecca, those kids had gone through too much trauma for their ages. Even after Charlotte and Dominic died, the first screams and laughs were pure gold to her and Hannah. They worked so hard to make sure that things kept moving along. Joy was stolen from the house again when Flora found Rebecca. But with this one, there was laughter again. 

Green in the grass reminds her of the stain in Dani’s jeans the day the kids helped pull out weeds. It had been the first proper time they had spoken and she had seen the au pair. She had shaken off whatever shyness had possessed her during their initial meeting, never did introduce herself though. They already felt past that, turned out. 

The entire greenhouse reminds her of the conversation they had when Dani had brought her lunch. Learned a bit more about the fiancé, but that talk easily swayed away from that subject. Too touchy it seemed to Jamie. There’s more to the story there and Jamie will wait it out. She knows the subject will come back up, sometime. 

Dani fills her greenhouse and it makes it impossible for Jamie to tune out the rest of the world. Because she wants Dani around when she’s not there. 

“Get it together,” she mumbles to herself, wiping her forehead as if that action would wipe away the intruding thoughts. 

Thoughts like these were only made worse by Dani staring at her. She felt hot underneath the long glances that Dani looked at her with. She couldn’t help but smirk at the stares because it was absolutely delightful. She’d huff under her breath after Dani finally looked away. Because how does someone give her those glances and be straight, it was impossible really. 

* * *

It becomes a bit of a tradition after the first few days of Dani bringing her lunch. She doesn’t have the heart to tell her that she usually eats with the kids at the table, because Dani comes in smiling brightly like she’s done something. And she has, because Dani’s remembered about her and that makes her feel all sorts of things. 

Staying quiet works out in the end because it gives her uninterrupted time with Dani. That’s worth missing a few meals with the kids. Flora’s more understanding than most kids. 

“What ya got for me this day, Poppins?” she asks with a smile reaching out to grab the tray that Dani has brought out. 

“Some sort of pancake dish that Flora talked Owen into making.”

“Ah, that explains it,” Jamie says as she sits down in a chair, putting the tray on the table beside her. She’d ask Dani to join her, but Dani already sits down in the same spot that she does everyday. 

“Doesn’t look like a pancake to me.”

“Really?” Jamie asks as she looks down on the plate. It looks absolutely divine to her, thin with berries that Owen got from the market this week. “Look perfect to me.”

“No, pancakes are supposed to be fluffy and not fold like those things.”

Jamie quirks an eyebrow at Dani’s animated motions with her hands. She’s noticed that before. Talking with her hands is something Dani does often. It’s rather charming and endearing. 

“Well, poor Owen is probably off sulking in the corner at offending our staying American.” 

Dani rolls her eyes but smiles. Smiles that are worth all the eye rolling. 

“Tell me, did you actually try these offensive pancakes before you started complaining about them?”

Dani looks off into the greenhouse and Jamie just continues to stare at her. She can’t decide if she likes looking at her like this or when Dani is looking at her better. Dani’s hair is pulled back and Jamie can see the movements in her throat as she begins to talk. Dani’s forehead isn’t creased together like there’s something wrong. The air between them is light and feels wonderful. Feels natural. Blondes have never quite been her type, but Dani is stunning. How could she not be everyone’s type? Just being Dani alone has Jamie already falling. 

“Yes,” she enunciates before turning back to catch a glimpse of Jamie. This time it’s her turn to be caught staring at her.

“And, what’s the verdict?” 

Dani smiles and just says “wonderful.”

“There you have it. Another thing ruined by Americans. Good thing we’ve got you here now, isn’t it?” Jamie asks but she knows the answer already in her heart. It is a good thing that Dani is here, because she must be so lucky to have Dani Clayton in her life. 

“Good thing,” Dani replies with the most gentle smile Jamie’s seen. It comes with a blush on Dani’s face and Jamie feels herself falling more into her gravity. 

* * *

Peter  _ fucking _ Quint. She’ll kill him, Jamie thinks as she grabs her shotgun. She’ll kill Peter Quint and rid the world of that piece of shit forever. 

Dani had been sure that she had seen him, Hannah told her on the phone. She agrees to come over to help look on the grounds. 

Jamie will never forgive Peter for what he did to Rebecca. 

Rebecca who deserved so much more than she got. Rebecca who had also weaseled her way into the family at Bly. Perhaps not in the way Jamie felt about Dani, but in an entirely different way herself. The kids had been smitten for her along with Owen and Hannah. Beautiful and fucking brilliant she was. Too brilliant for the worth of Peter Quint. 

Seeing her floating in that bloody lake was the last memory she’d ever have of her. Not the laughs or conversations they’d have on the grounds. No, she remembers how she was floating while Flora just stood and watched. Rebecca deserved to have the world. It was her moment to decide what she wanted to do. She had told her as much only a few days before she ended up in the lake. 

Jamie wouldn’t say that she killed herself, that seemed so wrong.

Jamie knew it had to be Peter’s fault that Rebecca died. Even if he had left, he had left a mark on her mind instead of her body. 

He always showed off his mark proudly on his arm. Using it as an excuse to be more of an arsehole than normal around Rebecca. He’d shield her with his body when the conversation didn’t go as planned. Lock her completely away from the rest of them if he could. Best not push him too far, Jamie knew that there was something in his eyes that she didn’t trust to not push it too far. She had seen the likes of him too many times in her life. Could spot him as a fucking arsehole the first time she saw him pull up with Henry.

Jamie didn’t know what Rebecca saw in him, not one bit. 

She had told Rebecca as much anyways. Before he had gotten too obsessed with her and possessive. Possession like that was a scary thing, she had seen as much when she was locked up. Another reason she wore her gloves and long sleeves all the bloody time. She didn’t want anyone thinking they owned her. 

No, Jamie was her own bloody person and nobody could take that away from her. 

* * *

“Funerals are awfully dreadful,” Flora tells her once she’s returned from Owen’s mom's. “That’s why Ms. Clayton and I weren’t at the one for Owen.”

“For his mom, you mean,” Dani corrects her. They’re all settled back in the kitchen after Dani’s little freak out at Owen. She wasn’t sure what that was about, but it unsettled her a bit. Dani seems distant and fades away from the conversation at moments. Part of her wishes she just asks Dani if she could help with anything, but she knows better to leave things lying until people are ready to talk about them. 

“They are, aren’t they?” Jamie says with a quick wink at Dani, who absolutely fumbles and blushes at it. Leave it up to Poppins to have such a reaction to her little flirt. Jamie wants to know what it looks like when she really flirts with her. She imagines a blush running down Dani’s chest and… she closes her eyes for a moment to wipe out any thoughts of  _ that _ from her mind.  _ Get it together _ , she thinks to herself. 

Flora doesn’t seem settled in this night, it's just the three of them that are sitting down at the table. Owen, Hannah and Miles are in the kitchen, finishing off the last bits of supper. Jamie has directed Dani out of the kitchen, knowing that she’d only ruin it. Flora was easy to be swayed into sitting with the two of them. Jamie knew that her and Flora had a thing together. She absolutely loved the girl and knew that Flora felt the same way, she had told her as much for the last 4 years. Four years she has been part of this family made at Bly. A family that all of a sudden that wouldn’t feel complete without Dani. She had never felt that way with Rebecca. Hannah and Owen had been around for years along with her. Dani implemented herself into her life in a way that she knew she would miss if something happened. 

“Shouldn’t Ms. Grose have gone?” Flora asks, her head tilted a bit as if she had just remembered something. “She has his colors on her arm! And so does he!” 

Jamie wonders how to best answer the question, like she does for most of Flora’s questions now. She made Flora a promise years ago that she wouldn’t lie to her. However that didn’t mean she wasn’t going to make things make more sense to an eight year old. “There’s no should, Flora,” Jamie ends up saying. “Death is different for everyone. Besides, I went to the funeral and I’m the most important." This time she winks at Flora who looks completely unimpressed with her jab. No, she stares instead at Dani. Just waiting to see what Dani will say, as if she realizes that the two of them have become people who talk in pairs. 

“Sometimes funerals aren’t for people, like us,” Dani adds onto her sentiment. “But sometimes people need to say goodbye. Just like what you did with your mom and dad. Owen wanted to say goodbye to his mom.”

“But I don’t have to say goodbye, isn’t that right Jamie?” Flora turns to look at her with such intense knowledge, far too much for her age. 

“That’s right, love,” Jamie smiles before looking at Dani who is staring at her. “Taught you proper, haven’t I? Jeez, maybe I could have gotten the au pair job here instead of Poppins. Would ‘ve beat working out in that heat.”

“No, you’re perfectly splendid where you are!”

Flora beams at her and Dani does too. She wants to keep making that happen because Dani smiles far too little. And her smile means everything.

* * *

It doesn’t take much convincing for Dani to end the night with the rest of them by the bonfire. She had made it when it had been still light out. Putting the old logs together and lit it up before Hannah or Owen even arrived. 

Jamie wishes she knew what it was like for the two of them. They bore each other’s marks, but still skirted the edge around each other. Something held the two of them back from just fully leaping in feet first into the water. It’s completely different than what she’s experienced with soul marks before. 

Hannah had been bloody stubborn and wouldn’t believe her for a week when she told her that her arm was starting to gain the tattoo splotches of ink. Wouldn’t even give her the time of day after she kept pestering her. Owen had just come in beaming everyday, working to get a smile and laugh from Hannah. 

Even with her distrust of the marks, it was rather adorable the way they acted around each other. 

Still courting each other, even with the marks on their arms. 

Around the bonfire is quiet, she’s been the only one talking. Hannah is too focused on Owen who has drank quite a bit, even for him. She explains where the bonfire comes from and fucking Owen ruins her ending. All her preparation to impress the au pair was taken away from her. She’d be mad if it wasn’t for Owen’s smirk and her needing him to be okay. 

She’d kill you if you told him, but Jamie felt like Owen was the big brother she never had. 

Owen was always there for her, if she needed a ride, she’d call Owen. Needed to learn to cook something so she wouldn’t die when she was off? She’d call Owen and he’d happily explain everything to her. It’s why she had gone to the funeral. Never had met Owen’s mum, but didn’t matter. Owen was family and families showed up for each other. 

It doesn’t take much for her to notice that Dani has been spaced out for the majority of the time outside. She tries to make her laugh with small jabs, but nothing seems to bring her back to the present. 

Hannah’s focus is on Owen, so she taps on Dani’s leg before motioning towards the greenhouse. “Wanna give them a second.” 

Dani seems to wake up at that comment and nods quickly, scooping up the blanket on her lap. 

In the greenhouse she finally feels the confidence to ask Dani what’s wrong. Not if she’s alright, because it’s clear to anyone who has eyes that she’s not. 

And Jamie wants Dani to talk to her. Doesn’t understand why she has this pain in her own heart when Dani is quiet for too long. She doesn’t want to even talk about how her heart has ached all day with a feeling that isn’t her own.

“Well, I guess I told you about my fiancé, earlier, didn’t I?”

“Oh, you did. Yeah, I was hoping we’d get ‘round to that one.”

“Yeah, we were engaged and he died. He died and I, I sometimes… it’s like… I see him.” Jamie just looks at her, knowing that this is big and real to Dani. Even if she doesn’t believe in ghosts, she believes in Dani. “I see him.” She believes Dani, watches as Dani takes a deep breath in. She wishes to move her hands to comfort her in some way, but she doesn’t move. Just sits and waits for Dani to continue. “I’ve never told anybody that.”

“Jeez,” she whispers to herself, looking away from Dani for only a moment as she tries to regulate her own emotions. “I’m so, so sorry.”

“We weren’t,  _ you know _ , we didn’t have each other’s marks. And uh, we were about to break up. We, uh, I’d broken, we had broken up. I had broken up I guess, right before.” Dani’s eyes find hers and she speaks again, “right before.” 

“Jesus, Dani, the same day?”

Dani says yeah in this quiet voice and Jamie’s heart aches for her in a way that her heart hasn’t ached before. 

She’s so daft, she thinks back on this moment, because Dani’s already told her all she needed to know. She’s told her that her fiance had died. 

“Is he here now?” she asks. This is real to Dani, so it’s real to her. No matter if she believes in ghosts or not. She’ll believe Dani.

And precious Dani looks around the greenhouse, looking for a ghost that has haunted her. “No.”

“Good, cause you know, I’ll sort him out for you if I have to.” She will, she’ll tell of a ghost, no problem. If it will give Dani peace, she’ll go toe to toe with him too. “Oye, dead boyfriend, give it up mate, it’s over.”

Dani stares at her with this look on her face that makes Jamie blush under it. Because Dani makes this incredible face of relief and adoration and Jamie wants to melt under it. Silence stays between them for a moment before she moves. “Seriously, Poppins,” she starts because Dani had smiled at her when she calls her that nickname and she’ll keep using it forever if Dani smiles, “how are you still standing?”

“I think I’m crazy.”

The soft words ping her heart, but she shakes her head just slightly as she responds, “I think you’re surprisingly sane considering.”

Moments pass against as they share a gaze. Then Dani is leaning towards her and she pulls back. Because she’s not ready. Not ready for what comes when they kiss and Dani touches her. Because in the back of her mind, she knows. She knows there isn’t any going back once they’ve touched. 

Invisible string ties the two together and Jamie’s scared. She’s been scared for a long time.

And she’s sick of being scared. She’s sick of wearing her gloves and living without the hope of a moment like this. 

“Dani,” she whispers, letting her covered hand grasp at Dani’s. 

While she’s building up the courage to touch her to meet this inevitable end that she wants so much, Dani gasps and pulls away from her. 

_ Alright _ . She pulls back and sits with her head dangling. 

How absolutely  _ daft _ was she, thinking that this would be it. How bloody stupid was she to think perhaps Dani wanted this the same amount she did. Because Jamie realizes she’s been waiting for this moment with Dani for days now and she’s pushed too far tonight. 

“I don’t know what to say.” 

“Alright, just forget about it. It’s my fault, I’m sorry,” Jamie says as she draws up her coat to protect her more from the person sitting next to her. She should have known better. She shouldn’t have pushed forward with even the thought of something between them. “I just-- you were just telling me you weren’t up for this.”

Shame passes over her again as she tries to keep a straight face. She can cry later. She just can’t cry with Dani staring at her and trying to pull on her jacket to get her to stay sitting. 

She can’t be here anymore, so she stands and leaves, not even looking all the way back, too hurt to even look into Dani’s eyes. It’s not Dani’s fault, but she doesn’t want her own emotions being read on her face. “Another night, maybe. Another time, maybe.” 

The conversation and mess at the end had sobered her up good enough to drag Owen away from the bonfire. “I know the roads,” she tells Hannah when she tells them to be careful. She’ll drive Owen home or he can even stay at her place if he’d rather. She just needs to be off the property now. Away from the woman who she pushed too far tonight. 

* * *

She does cry in the car once Owen is out because she’s not as hard as she pretends to be. 

She cries because she had been so stupid for not reading Dani better. 

Jamie should fucking know better than to push someone further than they are ready to go. 

The shower she ends up taking is scolding hot, trying to burn off the layer of skin that she could have been connected to Dani through. Skin space that she was willing to give up if her conviction was true. If Dani would have marked her skin, she would have given it up easy, willingly. Because she wanted Dani to touch her and that brought more shame. Dani had just been telling her she wasn’t up for this. She had lost her fucking fiancé for god sakes and here was Jamie already thinking about the colors that would appear on her body.

She scrubs until she can feel again, until she’s all new skin. She scrubs until she realizes that maybe  _ Dani  _ can feel this. Scrubs up until that point when she quickly turns off the shower. Shivers in the difference of temperature, because the thought terrified her, shook her to her very core. 

Could Dani feel this, she wonders as she pants out the heat that has gathered in her lungs. The thought haunts her as she dries herself off and pulls on a t-shirt and shorts. 

It lingers while she slips into her bed. 

Could Dani feel her?

Jamie feels the redness on her body and tightness of her skin after scalding herself with the hottest water she could get out of her tap. Would Dani feel this pain she had put herself through? 

Another reason to fucking hate herself. Because if she was right, she had fucked up more than once. She’s more gentle with herself while getting ready for the night. Brushes her teeth and pulls on old comfortable pajamas. 

She doesn’t get any sleep that night. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comments and kudos mean the world to me. <3 lemme know what you think so far. remember this will have a happier ending than canon <3


	3. in my defense (i have none)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Oi, where’d you hide the biscuits?” Jamie gruffs out reaching up on her tiptoes to try and scavenge through the cabinet. Usually, they’re tucked away up here where the kids can’t just reach them. Makes it bloody hard for her to reach them too, but she won’t give Owen the satisfaction of knowing that she can’t. 
> 
> “There over there,” he motions to the other side of the kitchen. “Seemed like our American needed some sugar fix today as well.”

Jamie takes the next few days off work. She’s taken Tuesday and Wednesday off for as long as she can remember, choosing non-weekend days as the best days to be off work. Makes it easier to go to the shops without long lines or crowds. 

This week, she takes a few days extra including Sunday and Monday. There’s something, no _someone_ that pulls her to Bly manor, but she locks it outside of her mind. For that first night, she had barely slept. Only thing in her mind was how much had she caused Dani to hurt. Because that first night, she couldn’t bring herself to not imagine it being Dani. And it was another thing to blame herself for. For the fist fights, the broken wrist, the time where she had shielded Mikey when the pot overboiled. All things that she had never thought about being on the receiving end of. She remembers feeling things, like that time she felt like she was going to die, was that Dani suffering on the other end of those moments? She pressed her palms into her eyes until she could only see black.

She spends the next few days building back up the wall around her heart. She had been so fucking stupid for getting her hopes up that perhaps Dani was _it_. Even if she didn’t truly believe in the lore around soulmarks, she hadn’t felt afraid when she was with Dani about it.

After dealing with it with her mom, Jamie had thought she’d never want to be marked. Never would want someone to hold power over her. Then seeing it with Rebecca and fucking Peter, she hadn’t wanted that kind of love either. _Possession_ like Dani had called it that time. 

Hannah and Owen weren’t like that though. Neither of them possessed the other. Instead, it was like they were a better team with the soulmarks, not just because of them. 

Perhaps all these years Jamie had spent being afraid of the mark could have been avoided if she had known people like Owen and Hannah all those years ago. Maybe her heart wouldn’t be boarded up without a crowbar in sight. 

Except someone had gotten past the barrier because she had opened herself up for it. Dani hadn’t broken down her barriers, she had done so herself. Because she had been lonely for longer than she imagined. She had the kids and Owen and Hannah, but she was lonely. Lonely for someone. Lonely for _Dani_. 

She had been waiting for someone who wanted to be there. And fuck, Dani wanted to be there. She knew because of all the moments that they stole with one another. The meals Dani would bring to her every afternoon. The way she’d assume Jamie would just stay after dinner to chat. Talks that they would have that brought out stories from Jamie that she had forgotten about. Good stories that she wanted to share with Dani. And Dani would share the same with her. Jamie wants to know everything about Dani. Every tidbit, every scrap of information she could get her hands on. 

But Dani had jumped back. 

Dani had jumped back when Jamie had relented and was about to tug off her gloves. She jumped back because it was too soon. Dani was just telling her that. She had just told her about her _ex_ fiancé that had fucking died and Jamie was ready to slip into something that was too soon for Dani. 

So, her barriers grew over the days away from the manor. Grew back up because this wasn’t the time and Jamie felt a rejection, even if there wasn’t really one. 

A rejection that hurt even if it wasn’t real.

* * *

“Don’t usually see you this side of the am,” she says as she sees an eager Dani waiting at the door frame. 

“Uh, well, I knew, I know that you start early on Thursday. So, I thought I’d bring you some coffee.”

“You Yanks and your coffee,” she huffs out, suppressing the urge to roll her eyes. She’s never been a huge fan of coffee, but Dani looks so eager, so she’ll try it out. 

“You might like it.” 

It’s when she knows she won’t like it. Because if it’s anything like her tea, Jamie doesn’t think she can stomach it.

“Cheers,” to which Dani replies back and just looks at her, like a puppy waiting to be rewarded. She can’t help herself, she has to spit out the horrible coffee that Dani had made. 

“I’m not the best at coffee either.” Even with just spitting out her coffee, Jamie finds she can’t find herself to stare at Dani. Instead she turns around to keep watering her plants, tending things she can fix with her hands. She doesn’t think this tension with Dani can be fixed that way. Maybe she can make it go back to the way it was before their almost moment. The almost that didn’t happen but had changed everything it seemed. 

“How’s your week been?”

She tries to seem more calm than she actually feels. Easier to pretend when Dani isn’t staring directly at her like that. 

“It’s been okay,” Dani starts and goes on about how her and Owen have both been out and Hannah is gone. Jamie doesn’t quite know where Hannah has gone, but she can understand the feeling. The hurt radiating off Owen must be affecting her as well. Whenever she felt something like sadness that wasn’t her own, it still felt like it was.

“Sometimes, people just need to be alone.” Dani doesn’t respond to her right away and Jamie has to look over at her. Has to see if Dani is still standing there with her coffee cup held to her chest, looking at her with a combination of kicked puppy and attraction. 

“Did you wake up just for this?” She’ll tease, because it's what she does. Teasing Dani feels easy and natural, more like what she had been doing before what happened.

“No,” Dani responds, but Jamie knows it’s not true. There’s no believing that Dani didn’t just wake up for this.

“You just waited for me to come back.”

“I knew you were coming back today but… no, no particular reason.”

God bless Dani for still trying, but Jamie knows better. This is something that can’t be hidden, because Dani looks absolutely spectacular this early in the morning. Her hair is up and Jamie wants to run her hand against the skin on her neck. 

“Are the kids awake?”

And the kids are still asleep, Jamie knows that. Flora and Miles don’t bother her this early in the morning. Typically this is when she gets the most work done, using the easy silence to get through her day before she has to deal with anyone. 

“So you just got up with the sun, and you tiptoed around the kitchen making awful coffee by yourself, just to come say hi at six in the morning for no particular reason?”

Dani just stares at her and Jamie can see her start to smile because Jamie is still teasing her and she knows exactly what she’s doing.

“Poppins, you flirt.”

And this may be the gayest thing Jamie’s ever had done for her. Jamie can’t help but smile to herself. 

“Fine, I don’t like the way we left it.” Dani says as she rushes closer to her, close enough that Jamie can feel Dani’s body heat radiating off her. She’s close enough that if Jamie just turned, she could touch her. She could touch her, but she can’t. Not now, not when her walls have been built back up in the last few days. 

“And how did we leave it?”

“Wrong. And I wanted to start doing something right. So, I thought I’d start with coffee.” Terrible coffee, that definitely wasn't something right. But at the same time it was. Dani had come to Jamie in the morning just to see her. She wasn’t sure if there was anything better than that for a redo. 

“Are you sure about that? Because every time I think you might be sure, you have this irritating habit of jumping back, like you’ve just seen a scary bug,” Jamie turns to focus on plants on the other side of the isle. She could reasonably stop to just talk like a normal human being to Dani, but that still feels too close. Having Dani just look at her rose this intense want to kiss her. “I like you. But I also like my life the way it is. Nice and boring.” 

“Gotta keep things proper ‘oring hav’nt we.” 

Jamie huffs a laugh, because it’s so charming to hear that terrible accent. Charming that Dani is trying so hard, Jamie’s never been on this side of the equation before. Usually it’s her chasing someone or making the first move because she put up such a wall that not many were confident to try and get through it. Dani made it look easy. Without any damage done to Jamie, Dani had found her way through the barrier and lodged herself inside Jamie’s heart. 

“Look, there’s a pub in Bly, right?”

“There is.”

“Would you want to get a drink? Away from the house. Away from all this. That could be kind of boring, right?

“Could be dreadfully boring.”

“Okay, so I could ask Hannah to watch the kids one night. And you and me could get a boring, old drink in a boring, old pub. And see where that takes us.” 

She has to tease more, because Dani knows exactly what she’s doing. Her eyes have flickered down to Jamie’s lips enough during the conversation and her hooded eyes have been set on Jamie’s face for the last minute. 

“You know I live above that pub, right?” Dani smiles, because of course the girl knows. “Told you that already didn’t I? Got a little flat, right above the boring old pub.”

Dani smiles in a way that Jamie loves to see. She smiles and then brings her lips back down, trying to hide it. A smile that for some reason Jamie wants to kiss right off her face. Quiet passes between them before Dani is looking over her shoulder with a “Flora?”

* * *

“But to dream, not a memory. A dream this time,” Flora says and Jamie is worried standing over Dani’s shoulder, just watching the girl that she loves so dearly. 

“I’m going to call Henry.”

Jamie rolls her eyes at that. Bloody use will do for a situation like this. Henry won’t answer the phone himself anymore. He would barely answer the call 

She wishes for Charlotte and Dominic to be back so badly in this moment. There really isn’t any comfort they can bring Flora, or even Henry could bring her. Charlotte would know what to say and do, as she always did. Dominic would be someone she could talk to about it, give her honest opinion on the matter and he would listen. They both always listened to her like she was something of importance to them. 

They would know how to soothe Flora and would be able to give the kids the break they needed. Instead, they were still mourning their deaths. Jamie’s own scars still pained her when she thought about her parents. She didn’t know if it was better or worse that her parents had chosen to leave her. Her mother had just up and vanished and Dennis’s head was too far down in the earth to really ever care about what happened to them. 

Like she had thought before, she has more in common with the kids than they may realize. She knows the loss of both parents. And for some reason, she feels like Dani does too. Dani treats the kids as their own people and not just lumping them into kids generally. Miles and Flora were special and Dani made sure to see that. 

“Bloody luck getting Henry to pick up the phone.”

“But she’s _sleepwalking_ ,” Dani says desperately in a whisper as they exit her room. They find each other leaning against the sides of the door frame, still being able to see the little girl’s form on the bed. Far enough to speak quietly without Flora waking up with more questions than answers. 

Jamie nods and takes a breath in and out to relieve some of the tension that had laid atop of them with the stress of Flora. “Nothing will get Henry back to Bly.”

She couldn’t think of a single reason he’d come back. Even when she had found Flora staring at Rebecca’s dead body, she hadn’t gotten a call back. He had called the sheriff and they had come to drag her body from the lake. He had barely called to make plans with Hannah about who was going to watch over the kids. 

Then it became another string of nights shared between the three of them watching over the kids. It didn’t get easier when Miles went off to boarding school for those few weeks. Flora was more needy without her brother, had more night terrors that would result in Flora spending more nights with Hannah or climbing into her own bed. 

“I don’t understand.” 

Jamie could hear the hurt in Dani’s voice, because it didn’t make sense. Not to someone who hadn’t been around as long as she had. Not to someone who hadn’t had a parent bail on them and leave them to fend to themselves.

* * *

“Oi, where’d you hide the biscuits?” Jamie gruffs out reaching up on her tiptoes to try and scavenge through the cabinet. Usually, they’re tucked away up here where the kids can’t just reach them. Makes it bloody hard for her to reach them too, but she won’t give Owen the satisfaction of knowing that she can’t. 

“There over there,” he motions to the other side of the kitchen. “Seemed like our American needed some sugar fix today as well.”

Jamie tried to conceal her smile when he mentioned _our_ American. Was that how they all felt about Dani? Wasn’t it natural for Jamie to feel the same way? Not ownership, but something else. Something she couldn’t put her tongue on. 

Just as soon as the smile happened, she found herself frowning as well. Because since the other night, it feels like she’s lost something. She’s lost something that was happening with Dani because of her actions and it scared her. Even with their flirty conversation early in the morning, that felt like ages ago. 

She grabs a biscuit from the tin before turning back around to face Owen. Owen who has been her friend for two years and has never judged her. Probably knows more about her than even Hannah does. They carpool once in a while and the drive from town gives them enough space to actually talk to one another. 

But she’s never asked about one thing. 

Never about the twirl of color that twisted from his hand to up his wrist. A mark that Jamie didn’t know seemed more faded than usual. Hannah’s seemed so bright now compared to his. It didn’t make sense, she didn’t think marks could look faded. They were either bright or black, not this inbetween. 

Maybe it was just because Jamie has seen it for two years that it seems different. Her eyes have been drawn down to it more often. More often than she had in the two years, since the au pair had entered their lives. She thinks of what to say as she munches on her biscuit. It’s bloody hard to imagine she hasn’t gained weight having all these amazing meals and biscuits made for her. She supposes she works it off in the yard and garden. 

Owen’s other hand presses against his mark, almost like he can read her thoughts. Or more realistically, can see her staring at it. 

“It really got out of hand, didn’t it?” He breaks the silence, holding out his hand to her with a dopey smile on his face. 

She rolls her eyes at the attempted pun that had failed it’s audience. “Sorry,” she mumbles as she shakes herself off, her gaze back off his hand. 

“My mu-- Louise, you know, got a mark once,” she’s told him part of the story before. Not all of it, but enough that he already knows what she’s saying. He doesn’t interrupt her thought as she focuses back on the mark. “Didn’t actually ever get to see it, just up and left after it happened.”

“It’s not always like that.”

“Of course,” Jamie says, taking a deep breath through her nose. “Of course, there’s you and Hannah.” She smiles at the mention because she absolutely adores the two of them. 

“And it’s not actually that scary, turns out.”

Part of Jamie wants to end the conversation, still wanting to stay in the scared part of her brain that didn’t understand how soulmarks worked. But she can’t have Owen thinking that. “I’m not afraid of it.”

“Of course, not. You aren’t scared of anything, Flora’s told me all about it. Once you jumped off the roof in something of a stupid manuever that the kids saw.” She laughs at the memory. It hadn’t been her intent, but the ladder had fallen and she had to get down someway. She knew exactly what bush would be able to catch her well enough that she wouldn’t be left bruised and battered everywhere. “Flora’s a curious girl, always wanting to know about the mark too. I told her that it wasn’t anything to be frightened about or obsess over. For me and Hannah, it hasn’t meant anything we haven’t wanted it to.” 

“Jamie?”

She turns around to see Miles standing at the edge of the kitchen. She motions with her head to get him in and let him grab a biscuit that is usually hidden from him. “You alright?” she asks because she’s sure Dani’s got more than enough on her plate with Flora. She’s stayed with them both before when their parents died. Bly had become more of a home after that. She’s spent countless nights at the manor before there was a live-in au pair with Rebecca and now Dani. 

“Just bored,” he says and she nods him over to her other side, getting him to lean against the counter across from her. “Flora’s in bed already.” 

Flora who is going through something that Jamie couldn’t put her finger on. This is different than when her parents died, but it’s something big that needs to be dealt with. If only fucking Henry would pick up the bloody phone and hear what was happening with the kids.

“Well, lucky for you, we’ve just started dinner for tonight, so loads of help needed.” 

Jamie rolls her eyes, because she definitely did not come into the kitchen to help cook. She’s quite shit at it herself. Owen usually doesn’t let her help in the kitchen, but today he knows something is up with her. 

“Hopefully something I can’t fuck up,” Jamie doesn’t know why she feels more comfortable swearing in front of Miles, but she does. “Don’t let Ms. Grose know I said that.” 

She takes the tomatoes happily from Owen and begins to wash them. “Were you talking about _marks_ when I came in?” Miles asks and Jamie keeps an ear turned to listen. 

“We were, in fact. Jamie’s very jealous of Hannah’s,” Owen pokes fun at her and god, she wants to flip him off, but she’s already sworn in front of the kid. 

“If anything, I’m jealous of yours. Hannah’s more of the catch.”

Miles looks like he wants to laugh again, but he still looks pensive, like there’s something on his mind. “Penne for your thoughts?” Owen asks as he hands him some pasta. 

“Jeez, Owen, I think you’re going to kill us one day with those terrible puns,” she teases and Miles laughs again, but the air feels lighter because of it. And Miles is more confident when he asks her. 

“Is that why you’re always covered up?”

He sounds sweet, more like the Miles she’s known since he was 6 instead of the Miles that has been around for the last year. Another thing to blame Peter fucking Quint for. Some days it seems like Peter Quint is staring back up at her when Miles is in front of her. She hopes with more time she gets to see more of this Miles again. He’s a wonderful kid, really. Jamie enjoys helping him out on numerous occasions. Even though Flora is her girl, Miles is still as important to her. 

“Like my life the way it is,” Jamie finds herself saying with more chill than she thought possible. “Like not knowing.”

“Owen,” he asks instead. “Did you ever cover up?” 

Owen glances her way, as if to ask her permission to keep talking, but Jamie wants to know as well, so she just tilts her head. 

“I didn’t, but not everyone’s like me. My parents had each other’s marks. Being raised in that home with two people who loved each other, the mark didn’t scare me. I actually wasn’t thinking about it when I finally got my colors.”

Miles looks like he doesn’t quite understand. Jamie knew that Charlotte and Dominic had marks, she’d be lying if she said that Henry didn’t have a mark either, running up his hand like Owen’s did. In the nights that Dominic was gone, Jamie knew there was something going on between Charlotte and Henry. It was quite obvious if you had any eyes or sense of being. They weren’t nearly as sneaky as they should have been. 

“It’s not meant to be scary or like some life altering event. It didn’t feel like that to me, at least. Instead, it felt a bit like coming home. Just knowing who someone is and loving them for it, not because of the mark, but with it.” 

Owen is looking at Miles, but she knows he’s talking to her. She knows he’s trying to give her some comfort at the ideas that are formulating in her head. Owen is doing what he does best and speaks with compassion. “You’ve got plenty of time, you young folks.” 

Miles huffs out a laugh and a statement that he isn’t _that_ young. Jamie just leans on the counter and thinks.

* * *

She finishes up the rest of the day before heading out. The plants will be fine and she’s eaten the dinner Owen’s put together. Dani and Hannah are down for the meal but no small talk. They both head back upstairs as soon as they’re done. Jamie waves Dani’s gaze off with a goodnight. Flora’s the most important and Jamie still feels walled up. She still feels a sense of fear in her chest when she thinks about opening herself back up for Dani. Instead of staying, she gets in her truck and drives. Drives down the driveway before her foot eases up on the gas and her car stays idle.

She can’t go forwards. Can’t drive down the terribly long driveway that seems too long for her to travel this night. Not when there was peace at the house. Peace that only came around one single person. 

Peace that Jamie had been yearning for years to have. 

And what, she was just running away from it because she was _scared_. 

Scared of letting someone in that could hurt her again. Someone that could really hurt her if she wanted to. Like her dad, or like her mom. 

But she’s let people in before, the Wingraves, Owen, Hannah, the kids. She had let all these people in and they hadn’t hurt her. 

Not everything was like it was before. Not when she was a teenager and alone in London, getting in with the wrong people that didn't care if she got the blame for the stuff they all did. No one who cared that she was locked up. 

These people she’s let in, this _family_ she’s created hadn’t brought any hurt to her life. She wasn’t worried about losing them over something as simple as saying something wrong. It hadn’t ruined her friendship with Hannah when Owen came into the picture. Hannah hadn’t up and left her life behind because of it. No, they both had stayed. 

People didn’t always leave.

And she was sitting in her truck, wondering if keeping driving was really what she wanted to do. 

She could see a future where she kept driving, went home and let all the feelings she had for Dani disappear. But she didn’t want that future.

Jamie wanted better. She wanted more. More with the au pair who came to Bly and stole her heart from the moment she saw her. More with the person that made Jamie feel seen and heard than she did with most of the world. Someone who Jamie feels herself being drawn back in, not a heavy weight of gravity. No, it doesn’t tie her down. Nothing about being with Dani felt like being held down by something. If anything, it felt like coming home. Coming home and feeling completely herself in front of someone who only wished to see her. 

Dani had become that person for her. A new type of friend that Owen and Hannah couldn’t fill. And by god, didn’t she want Dani to become more than just a friend. 

Her fear about the mark didn’t really seem to matter at this point. 

Because even if Dani didn’t mark her, it didn’t matter. She would be touched by Dani just to be touched by her. Nothing would change in her heart if no colors erupted on her skin. Nothing like fate matters to her. 

She has chosen a family and she chooses to let Dani in. 

She turns her car around, knowing she’ll leave some indents in the grass, but she finds she doesn’t care about that. 

All she cares about is getting back to Dani. 

* * *

“Thought you headed home, already,” Hannah said as she walked back into the kitchen. Owen was still there, finishing up cleaning after dinner, she assumed it probably had more to do with staying with Hannah for as long as he could. She really didn’t understand why he didn’t just move into the manor now full time to be with Hannah. They were the strangest soul pair that she had met. Probably one of the best too. No matter what happened, they had each other. Perhaps the physical aspect of the relationship didn’t matter as much to the two of them. Jamie tries to hide a blush at the thought that she can’t wait to touch Dani. Of course, it’s a small step, but she can’t wait to _touch_ Dani. 

“Had something pop up. Was hoping you could help me.” 

Both of them turn to face her with the ask, because Jamie doesn’t ask for much. She doesn’t often ask for help, so they must know it’s for something important. Someone important. 

“You mind sticking around tonight, so I can get Dani out of the house for a bit?” Jamie tries to stay as calm as she can, but the nerves have already risen within herself. Because she’s doing something scary, something she’s been scared of her entire life. Scared since her mother left because of some bloke with some colors on his arm. 

“Ahh,” Owen says with a smile and Jamie blushes harder. 

“Stop it.” 

Owen and Hannah are both just smiling at her, like they already bloody know what she’s planning on doing. 

“I mean it,” she threatens, as if there’s anything she could threaten them with. “Don’t look at me.”

She turns out of the kitchen to go find some flashlights and torch to bring with her. 

When she gets back to the kitchen, Dani is standing there near the tea kettle. 

“Don’t touch that. You’ll just desecrate it.” 

Dani looks up at her with a laugh and Jamie knows it’s the right time to do this. Even though her hands are fidgeting with the flashlight, even though her heart is racing. It’s Dani. 

“I thought you left a while ago.”

“Made it halfway home and thought, rough day. Maybe Poppins might fancy a little boredom. What do you say?”

“With the kids, I--”

“Already taken care of.”

Thank fuck for Hannah’s willingness to jump in to tell them to enjoy themselves. Owen starts talking about nightmares and she just takes her glove covered hands and pulls up underneath Dani’s hand to pull her towards the door. 

She’s not as scared as she thought, because this is Dani. 

Dani who smiled at her and made her heart pound heavy in her chest.

Dani who tried so hard. 

Dani wouldn't hurt her. Jamie just knew it to be true.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for all the love <3
> 
> comments keep me motivated and i love to hear your thoughts <3


	4. twisted (in bedsheets)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dani is worth the effort. 
> 
> Her new favorite person. 
> 
> So, she does what she can. She takes off her gloves.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> note that i did adjust the moonflower monologue to fit in this au! but i used most of it because it's beautiful the way it is and i can't write better than that.

The walk to the flowers was farther than Jamie expected to make in the rain with Dani asking questions on the way there. She had lost a bit of her courage as they grew closer and closer to the space she planned out. She’s missed Dani more than she thought. Being just around her feels exhilarating. 

Thoughts of what she was going to say fill her mind as they walk further and further into the woods. Dani jokes about her killing her and Jamie can’t help but respond with a jest. Her mind is too full with what she wants to say to make much small talk. There’s so much she wants to say and explain and just tell Dani. Because her life had never been perfect and she’s not perfect. 

“There’s not many secret spots, even on grounds this big. But this one.. Special,” she says as she aims the flashlight towards the moonflower she’s been worried over since spring. 

“Wow that’s beautiful,” Dani breathes out and Jamie agrees. 

“It’s a moonflower. Bloody hard to grow in England,” she says handing the flashlight off to Dani to take a closer look at the flowers. Even knowing that they’ll be gone by morning, there is something so beautiful about them. Something akin to pride arises in her chest at knowing that she created these flowers. She created this life. 

“Yeah, but worth it.”

Dani’s stays standing by the flowers and Jamie walks back to the logs that she knows are set near the place. She’s spent a few years coming out to look at the flowers she’s planted. Each year she has to start again. Each year she sits and watches them. See what the fruits of her hard work can earn her, even if it lasts for only a night. 

“Is it?”

“Isn’t it?” Dani replies and she can’t help but smile. Because it’s not just a flower, it’s more of an entire ecosystem all of its own. 

“This plant only blooms two months a year. And only at night. Each bud, only once. These flowers will be dead by morning. And tomorrow night, new buds will bloom, and then they’ll die. In three weeks, this entire plant will be dead. And in the spring, I’ll have to plant a whole new moonflower.” 

Her speech loses Dani’s attention which goes back to the flower in front of her. There are so many different flowers on the grounds she could have shown Dani. Flowers that lasted and some may say are more beautiful. But no, this flower was it. “That’s a lot of work for a flower that only blooms once.”

“That’s what people feel like to me,” she replies, taking in a breath as she tries to remind herself to keep her cool, not to push too hard, too fast. “Exhaustive effort. Very little to show for it.”

“All of them?” hope rings true in Dani’s voice, but she won’t give her lies. 

“All of them,” she settles on, staring right at Dani when she says it. “Even you.” Dani looks some semblance of hurt at her words. “Even me. Especially me.”

“So I figured, I’d save you some effort,” she motions with her head for Dani to sit down next to her and the torch she’s lit. “Skip to the end. Take a shot. Why not?” 

“So here it goes, okay?” She waits for Dani to nod before taking a deep breath. Because she’s going to explain it to Dani. See if Dani is even still interested after it all. Jamie knows she doesn’t come without baggage. Her entire life feels heavy and she doesn’t want Dani to have to deal with it. So, she’s giving her an out. A way to know that it’s alright for it to be too much. She’s not pushing Dani, if anything she’s pushing herself. 

The story is hard to get through. Practice with her therapist makes it a bit easier, but it’s her fucking life she’s talking about. A life that isn't full or prose or beauty. A life that’s real and shitty and she’s not sure if Dani would care about. A life that started off with her father searching for a dead lump of coal that will burn. A life that Louise threw all way because of some mark on her arm. 

“Louise found some bloke that’s arm lit up when she touched him and forgot all about us kids. Just up and left. And I come home from school to find Mickey, alone. Screaming his little head off. He’s still a baby and he doesn’t understand what he’s done wrong, doesn’t know Louise has found a new family to look after. I try to take care of him. I’m just a kid. Kids can’t raise kids. I forget things, like watching over a pot when it boils.” Jamie shakes as she remembers. She remembers when she’s 8 and her back is scalded with the hot water. It burns and she tries to shield Mikey from it. But her teachers notice when she’s not in school the next day. They notice that she doesn’t come back because her back makes it impossible to get out of the house. Finally after 3 days, Denny takes her to the hospital because Dennis is nowhere to be seen and even her best efforts have caused burns on Mikey’s arms. 

“So one day there’s an accident, social services get involved and we’re split up. Dad did his best, he’s spent so long underground he didn’t know what to do with a kid, let alone three kids. He didn’t even fucking comprehend that Louise had run off because of some fucking mark on her arm. So he disappeared into the dirt, then there's foster care. Just a bunch of stale, perverted men and bitter wives looking to make a few quid by taking care of the local trash. Left for London pretty soon after that. Got myself into all sorts of trouble there. Wound up serving a couple years. And it’s there I start gardening. Busy work for idle hands, but I fucking love it. Love it.”

Gardening has been her oasis after dealing with all the other shit. Gardening was something Jamie could do. 

“And it’s so clear how people aren’t worth it. But plants. You pour your love and your effort into them and you see where it goes. You watch them grow and it all makes sense.”

She’s a little embarrassed at how emotional she got at the last part. Because she’s talked about her parents in therapy and all that’s happened, but she’s never really touched on how much gardening means to her. Means that she can watch things grow and die and take care of them the best she can. Plants are easy, because she knows she can fix them. Her past is nothing to fix. She gets up to stare at the moonflowers. 

“So yeah, everyone is exhaustive. Even the best ones. And I wear these stupid fucking gloves because of it. When I was a kid, I saw how Louise just up and abandoned us because of some bloke that lit up her arm. So, I wear the gloves and the shirts because everyone is exhaustive and not worth it.”

But that’s not how the story ends. Because today, with Dani, it doesn’t seem exhaustive. It seems absolutely worth it. So, she tells her. “Sometimes, once in a blue goddamn moon I guess, someone, like this moonflower, might be worth the effort.” She turns to look at Dani again, Dani whose eyes haven’t left her while she talks. Dani who sits there patiently, letting her ramble on and get everything out on the table. Dani who doesn’t have disgust or disdain in her eyes. 

Dani is worth the effort. 

Her new favorite person. 

So, she does what she can. She takes off her gloves. For the first time, she takes them off and fully intends on touching someone without them. Because even if Dani isn’t _it_ , that doesn’t matter. All that matters is she wants to feel Dani’s skin against her own. 

“I know you’re struggling. I see it,” she says, because she can. Even during their flirty moments, she knows there’s something hiding in the back of Dani’s brain. Something that Dani hasn’t dealt with, perhaps her ex fiancé. “I know you’re carrying this guilt around, but I also know that you don’t decide who lives and who doesn’t.”

Jamie wishes she was already touching Dani, but she just keeps her eyes on hers because it’s important. Dani doesn’t have to carry around the guilt. No one should have to carry around that guilt. “I’m sorry, Dani, but you don’t. Humans are organic. It's a fact, we’re meant to die. It’s natural, beautiful.” 

She turns back around to face the flower. The thing that she’s brought Dani out to see. “And it all breaks down and rises back up. And breaks down again, and every living thing grows out of every dying thing. We leave more life behind us to take our place. That life refreshes and recycles and on and on it goes.

“And I’ve spent years so afraid of having someone touch me, that I’ve covered up for years. But sometimes, it isn’t about the longevity of a thing. Even if we don’t mark each other, it doesn’t matter. Covering up is like carrying on that dead and dying thing. I’ve been waiting to just go into the dirt myself, turns out. But this between us? Even if it doesn’t happen, it is infinitely better than being crushed down deep down into the dirt. Into a rock that will burn if it’s old enough. So much better to see the leafling, the flower. We leave more life behind to take our place. Like this moonflower. It’s where all its beauty lies, you know, in the mortality of the thing.”

There’s beauty in the end of things. Perhaps the same amount of beauty as the start. Because it means something ended, something that matters. Even this moonflower, that will die by morning, matters. And it’ll get recycled into the ground and rebuilt into something else. It is so much better than coal. So much better than being left wondering what would happen without it. 

She hears Dani rise up and move towards her and she wishes her heart didn’t pound as much as it did. Dani is standing right next to her and she can turn and touch her. It’s Dani’s hands that grasp at her coat first. It’s Dani who makes the next move, because Jamie needs someone to. She’s laid herself bare on the table for Dani to inspect. Her heart is in her throat and she can’t move to look at Dani without the grasp. Because once she sees her, it’s only a matter of moments before they’re touching. 

Dani moves her hand and puts it on her neck pulling Jamie closer while Jamie’s hand grips at the inside of Dani’s jacket, needing the warmth on her uncovered hand. Nothing magical happens when they finally touch. Nothing that would cause Jamie to jump back and know. 

But she knows anyway. She knows when Dani presses a kiss to her lips that this is it. Soul mark or not. This is it. 

Dani is it. 

Ideas of worry slip out of her head as she finally feels Dani’s lips against her and her hand against her neck. It’s everything she’s been longing for and more. Any thought of the soulmark slips away. 

Jamie doesn’t know how long the kiss lasts, but she aches when Dani pulls away to look at her. She needs Dani pressed back against her, kissing her. 

It’s so refreshing to hear Dani sigh out and set her forehead against Jamie. So refreshing to hear the sigh of relief and feel Dani’s heat against her. 

Thank fuck, she thinks as their lips reconnect. 

Dani’s leaning against her as they push and pull within the kiss. But all she needs is more. She wants more than feeling Dani through a jacket, but that can’t happen in the rain. No, they’ll need to go somewhere else. 

* * *

The walk back to the manor seems infinitely shorter on the way back. They get off track at one point with Dani’s back pressed against a tree and Jamie clinging to her, needing their mouths pressed together. Even with their hands linked, it doesn’t feel like enough. Moss coats her hand as she presses against the tree to get a better angle to slip her hand underneath Dani’s shirt. 

“Inside,” Dani whimpers against her lips as Jamie splays out her hand on the soft skin of Dani’s stomach. 

It takes Dani whimpering for Jamie to pull back and tug her back towards the house. Because she would take Dani against the tree if they stayed there. She’d put her hands down Dani’s trousers out in the garden. It didn’t matter where it happened, all that mattered was that it was happening. All her hands want to do is be on Dani’s skin and pull out those breathless moans from Dani’s lips. 

Even while she aches and throbs, all she wants to do is make Dani feel good, feel as good as she did. 

“Get all nice and cozy, hmm,” she teases as she brings her lips down against Dani’s jaw, pressing kisses to places she’s been dreaming about. 

Dani laughs and Jamie wants to make Dani do it again because it’s her favorite sound in the world. Any laugh that leaves Dani’s lips make her ache with happiness. She didn’t know a person could make her feel so many things at once. Lust, happiness, and something that felt more like love than she’d admit.

Time doesn’t seem to matter by the time they’re back at the house. They enter through the backdoor and find Hannah and Owen still sitting at the table, both with amused smiles on their faces when the two of them come stumbling through the door. Hands are still pressed against body parts and Dani squeaks out when she realizes that they’re not alone. Jamie’s head is still buried in Dani’s neck. 

“Lovely chat, then?” Owen teases and Jamie has the decency to blush, but just flicks him off and pulls Dani towards the stairs. The two of them and their remarks can wait for another day. This cannot.

The path up the stairs is much easier than back through the woods. Here it consists of Jamie tugging Dani along to her bedroom. 

By the time they close the door, both of them are still blushed from the attention they received. “They’ll calm down soon enough,” Jamie says as she locks the door between the two of them. There’s only dim light coming from outside in the bedroom. It feels more intimate than what happened outside. They’re in Dani’s bedroom and Jamie can feel her breathing go heavier as she thinks of the implication. 

Dani’s eyes aren’t meeting her own, they’re staring at a spot on her neck and Jamie doesn’t quite understand. 

“I--uh, I’m sorry, it’s…” she trails off and Jamie pulls back to find herself across from a mirror. 

In the mirror she finally sees it. 

Sees the mark that’s been left on her skin from Dani’s touch. 

Her soulmark that is left on her neck and climbs up her jaw, there for everyone to see. It makes her huff out a small laugh, because of course this is where her soulmark would go. Somewhere she had never even thought to cover up. 

But she finds she doesn’t care, not in the slightest. Colors swirl almost ultraviolet on her skin. Red and white swirls up her jaw and she brings her hand up to press against it. No changes in the skin can be felt. Jamie doesn’t feel like somethings been put on her, more like a layer has been peeled, finally out for the world to see properly. It’s beautiful and when Dani presses her fingertips to the mark she absolutely shudders. Dani is standing now in front of her, wondering if she’s done something wrong, but Dani who’s eyes still flicker back and forth from her eyes and her lips and jaw. 

“It’s perfect,” she finally says in a whisper. Dani smiles and all thoughts about worrying about the mark that will be on her forever fade into the background. It doesn’t matter, all that matters is Dani in front of her and smiling and absolutely perfect. 

All she knows is that she ends up kissing Dani again, her hands hungry to find Dani’s skin and stay latched on. 

All that matters is Dani’s skin against her own as they both tug off their jackets. “Shoes,” she adds because she’s not going to go to bed(!!) with Dani with her shoes still on. It would be easy to take Dani with her clothes still fully on, but there’s something much more intimate happening between the two of them. 

She wants to shed her layers that she’s put up for years and let Dani see her. Just the same amount that she wants to see Dani. 

It’s when they’ve pulled away from each other fully to start undoing shoes that she finally sees the mark she’s left on Dani’s arm. 

If she thought her own mark was beautiful, there were no words to describe the mark left on Dani. A mark that she had left on her skin just by touching her. As soon as she's done pushing off her shoes and socks, she goes back and takes Dani’s arm in her hands as delicately as she can. Gold and white swirl up from her wrist. Gold which seems so vibrant and twirls against her wrist. She’s never seen colors so beautiful. They’re just as vibrant as the ones that she saw on her own face. But there’s something more beautiful. Beautiful because these colors mean something so important. Because Dani had left marks on her and she had left marks on her. Jamie can’t help but press a kiss to the mark. She notices how Dani preens into her at the contact. (She’ll have to explore that later.)

Jamie brings the two of their hands together, feeling the heat coming from Dani’s body while they’re almost pressed together. Her hands are warm and Dani’s fingers cling to hers. She huffs a bit at the motion with a real smile showing up on her face. “Poppins,” she says as she squeezes back, letting her thumb run against Dani’s knuckles. 

She wants to know every part of Dani’s body, from her toes to her head. Maybe just as much, she wants Dani to know her body from top to bottom as well. 

Because this isn’t ownership like she thought. 

She was wrong. 

Like they had discussed all those nights before, love wasn’t possession, it simply couldn’t be. 

This was something completely different.

The two of them were completely on the same playing field, equals. There was no ownership over them, just a promise of colors. A promise that was displayed on Dani’s arm and Jamie’s jaw. 

Being with Dani and being _marked_ by Dani was liberating. 

It was a lot simpler than all the nonsense she had been thinking for years. It was nothing like what happened with Louise and the bloke she took off with. That wasn’t what this was supposed to be like. 

Her soulmark was different; Dani wasn’t like that. She didn’t try to ruin her life or whisk her away. Unspoken promises were made that they weren’t running away, that this was a promise to _stay_ between the two of them. 

She didn’t own Dani and Dani didn’t own her. 

Two of them together made the promise with their colors. 

Jamie’s hands make their way up Dani’s jumper, feeling the heat from Dani’s back. It’s infinitely better than not touching Dani. She pulls her close until they’re fully pressed against one another. She doesn’t want to be further than an arms length away from Dani. 

Her heart is in her throat as she pulls at Dani’s jumper up until she’s able to pull it completely off Dani. Dani just lifts her arms, letting out a little gruff when they have to separate their mouths to get the piece of clothing off. Jamie takes the opportunity to quickly pull off her own shirt, not wanting Dani to feel more exposed than she was. “We can stop,” she whispers as her eyes watch Dani’s lips. Lips that are more inviting with every second that she’s not feeling them. They’re both flushed and Dani’s hands are on her hips and Jamie wants to melt into the feeling. But she won’t push, there doesn’t have to be a time table to this. 

“No!” Dani squeaks out, her fingers gripping at her hips, pulling Jamie closer. “I mean, no,” she repeats as her grip slacks again, looking to pull away in something Jamie thinks might be embarrassment. So she keeps her hand splayed on Dani’s back, keeping them close together. “I don’t--I don’t quite know.”

Jamie doesn’t need more questions to know what Dani is talking about. Even while Jamie has been pulled into lust with someone before, this is different than those nights. Her hands are much more confident that Dani’s, but that doesn’t matter. All that matters is that Dani is touching her. She could fall apart from that alone, even if it was messy and sloppy. 

It didn’t matter. 

It was _theirs._

That’s all that mattered. 

“There’s no right answer,” she ends up saying, wanting to comfort Dani. “Just do what feels right, I’ll tell you if I don’t like something and you’ll do the same. ‘Ight?” she asks, her eyes still haven’t left Dani’s lips, swollen after all the stolen kisses between the two of them. 

“Yeah,” Dani replied with an enthusiastic nod of her head. She’s the one to kiss Jamie again, her hand brought up to splay on Jamie’s neck where her soul mark now resides and Jamie’s hips buck at the feeling alone. 

Jeez, whatever that was, she wanted to feel more. 

“Pants off before bed,” Dani says and Jamie feels a smile tugging at her lips. Of course Dani would want their rain wet trousers off before they went into bed. She felt herself want to tease Dani, but Dani was already so flustered, she didn’t want to ruin any of the confidence that Dani gained through each step forward. 

Layers of clothes are thrown about in the bedroom, the two of them more uncaring about where they may land compared to the thrill of being able to touch each other. Dani’s the one that ends up pushing Jamie towards the bed and she soon enough has her arms full of Dani as she straddles her. Maybe this was heaven because there was nothing more in the world that she wanted. Dani was sitting atop her, sans shirt or trousers and it made her clench in want. 

Her hands find place against Dani’s back as they collide for another kiss. 

Too much teeth, too many smiles, but Jamie only wants more. 

Jamie loves the exposure of Dani’s neck to her advances, loves that she can kiss down her jaw and suck against Dani’s neck. Jamie can tell Dani enjoys it as well by the moans that leave the au pair’s mouth. “Jamie,” Dani says as she brings a hand between them to palm at Dani’s breast through her bra. 

“Lemme take this off,” she pleads against Dani’s throat, her fingers already digging underneath the bra to feel more of Dani’s uncovered breasts. 

Dani nods and groans in approval as she quickly makes haste of getting the bra off. Dani loops her arms through the straps until the bra falls to the floor beside them. 

She can’t help but kiss down Dani’s chest until she can pull a nipple into her mouth. 

Her mouth is dry at the sight of Dani above her, panting with her lips swollen. How can she possibly want for anything else when Dani is grinding down on her(!!). Dani’s hand grasps at her jaw and pulls her back into a kiss. She hums against Dani’s lips, feeling Dani’s hands pull at her bra themselves. 

“Off?” Dani questions, pulling away to press her forehead against her own. Jamie just nods and lets Dani’s hand unclasp her bra, it only takes Dani a few attempts before she can slip her own arms out from the straps. Second bra is disposed of as the first, thrown to the flower with no thought. 

“Wow.” 

Another blush rises upon her chest as Dani just stares blankly at her. Perhaps in a different setting, she would have shied away with the statement and the look on Dani’s face. But here? With Dani? She had already laid herself bare tonight, this seemed much easier. 

She took the moment of surprise to flip them over, landing on the bed with a humph from Dani’s lips. “Yeah, Poppins, wow.”

Dani’s thigh is pressed between her legs and Jamie could unravel from this alone. 

With Dani underneath her, Jamie is able to maneuver them to where she can bring her hand down to palm against Dani’s breasts again. Wishes to hear the small moans and huffs of air leaving Dani’s mouth forever as she presses more firmly against her. 

She needs more and can feel Dani pushing against the bed, her own center pressed against Jamie’s leg. Jamie can’t even think about the dampness she can feel on her thigh because if she does, it will completely unravel her. Because she is doing this to Dani. 

Her hands and her mouth. 

She guides her hand back down to play with the elastic of Dani’s underwear. She waits for consent, pulling her mouth away from the kiss, until her forehead is pressed against Dani’s hot cheek. 

Consent comes with Dani reaching down to pull off her underwear, Jamie pulls away giving her more room to move. Once the underwear slips off Dani’s ankles, Jamie puts herself back into the same position. Except this time she can feel Dani directly against her thigh and moans at the sensation itself. 

“You sure?” she whispers as her hips move on their own accord, grinding down against Dani’s thigh. 

Dani nods, breathless as she stares up at Jamie. It’s Jamie's turn to breathe out any anxiety about the moment. Even doing this before, it’s different. 

It’s _Dani_. 

And Dani is so much more important than any of the girls before. She’s the most important. 

Her most important. 

Her hands are slow as they move down Dani’s stomach. Her breathing is shallow as she presses a kiss onto Dani’s jaw and then her neck. Dani is so soft and Jamie thinks she can spend the rest of her life like this. Pressed against Dani and feeling her heart beating fast. 

Dani is hot and wet against her fingers and Jamie presses herself as much into Dani as Dani does to her, colliding in the middle. Jamie doesn’t think she’s done anything in life to deserve this. No, she knows she doesn’t deserve to feel this. But she won’t look a gift horse in the mouth anymore and runs her fingers against Dani’s slick flesh. “How many?” she asks, her face lifted above Dani’s to watch as Dani’s closes her eyes and lets out another moan as she presses against her again. 

Dani doesn’t answer, so she moves her fingers back up, away from where they beg to be to get an answer. 

“No,” Dani cries softly, her own hand going down and grasping at Jamie’s hand to keep her closer. 

“I’m not going anywhere, promise,” Jamie says with a smile because Dani is now looking at her with that look as if she hung the sun in the sky. “How many fingers?” she asks again, this time at least Dani is looking at her. Dani blushes and looks away, but Jamie stays quiet, her fingers slick with Dani’s wetness splayed against her stomach. 

Dani still doesn’t answer, so Jamie moves back until they’re pressed together and this time it’s Dani who's pressed against her own neck. Dani who is panting against her neck and driving Jamie absolutely mad. 

Her hand is still wrapped against Jamie’s wrist. She doesn’t ask again in case Dani gets embarrassed, instead she finds a different question. “How ‘bout we start with one?” Jamie asks and she can feel Dani nod against her shoulder. 

Perhaps she pushed too far again with the questions. For all she knows Dani’s never been with a woman, maybe she didn’t have anyone ask these questions before. But Dani’s hand pulled her back down, her thighs spread wider to accommodate Jamie between the two of them. So she knows she’s doing something right, even if it is the first time for Dani. Her fingers meet the slick flesh again and Dani’s hips buck against them. 

She must be in heaven because she pushes a finger inside of Dani and the sounds that come out of her make her clench with want. It’ll take nothing for Jamie to push over the edge if Dani keeps making those noises. 

They find each other’s mouths in a sloppy kiss as Jamie continues her push and pull. Dani’s hips rock with the thrusts. “More,” she whimpers out against her mouth. 

Jamie obliges and slips another finger inside of Dani. 

It’s not long before Dani is preening against her with those breathless moans. She pushes her thumb more firmly against her and Dani can’t even kiss anymore. She’d look smug if it wasn’t for the fact that she may come from the sight alone. Dani makes the most perfect oh with her face as she clenches and cries out. Jamie wants to remember this moment forever, the moment where _she_ made Dani fall apart with her fingers. She can’t wait to make Dani fall apart with her mouth, but she’ll try that out another time, because there will be more times with the way Dani claws at her back and pants out. 

Jamie smiles as she rests against Dani, gently pulling her fingers from Dani and wiping them against the sheets next to them. Dani’s eyes are still closed and Jamie takes the moments to catch up with her own breathing. She hadn’t realized she was so out of breath until she relaxed slightly atop Dani. 

“Good, huh?” she teases only slightly as she sees a smile relax upon Dani’s face. 

“Best,” she responds and when Dani opens her eyes, Jamie notices only the slightness watering. When she had sex with a girl from the first time, she had cried. Not until she was gone, but she had cried because _yes_. This was what it should feel like. For the longest time growing up, she thought she was broken. That because of her fucked up family, sex seemed so terrible. But then she had sex with a girl and everything changed. She wasn’t broken, she just wasn’t attracted to men and finally she felt herself. Truly herself for the first time. 

Jamie doesn’t mention the tears, instead she presses another soft kiss to Dani’s perfect lips. 

Moments pass between the two of them, both recovering, Dani recovering from being pushed over the edge and Jamie trying to get her own want under control. It’s unfair because Dani shifts her weight and Jamie’s hips move on their own accord and grind against Dani’s thigh. 

“Oh,” Dani says and Jamie shuts her eyes and tries to regulate her movement. She won’t push Dani further to touch her. The rest of the night can go like this, because it was perfect, even if she still clenched with want. 

“Can I?” Dani asks and Jamie doesn’t need to think before nodding her head. Her hips push wantonly against Dani’s thigh, only her underwear keeping her from feeling herself directly on Dani. To help, Jamie pushes over to drag her own underwear down her legs and kicks them off the bed. Dani takes her movement and lays on her side, pressed against Jamie. 

Dani’s eyes glide over her entire body and Jamie must be as red as a tomato with the blush that rushes over her. “You’re so beautiful,” Dani whispers as if it’s something so precious to her, like she is so precious to her. Jamie can’t think of anything to say, so she drags Dani back into a kiss. The kiss loosens them up again, Dani brings a hand down and runs it down her stomach, she clenches with want. Dani’s fingers dance dangerously close to her and Jamie wants to just pull her hand down, but she can wait. She’ll wait if it gives Dani the courage to touch her. “How many?” Dani asks and Jamie smiles because Dani is asking the same of her. 

Jamie’s hips arch up on their own accord, but Dani’s hand presses them back down and Jamie whimpers at pure want. “One first,” she finds herself saying and Dani just smiles down at her before kissing her. 

She doesn’t know how long it takes for Dani’s fingers to finally be brushing through her curls and against her flesh. But suddenly Dani is touching her and Jamie bucks her hips again. Dani’s fingers brush so lightly against her and Jamie arches her hips up so that they’re pressed more against her. “More,” she pants against Dani’s cheek. 

Dani presses a bit harder against her, her finger pressing against her entrance. “More,” she says again, wanting Dani to take that final step and push into her. 

When she does, Jamie forgets everything except for the finger inside her and the thumb that is awkwardly pushed against her. Dani’s inexperience can be felt with the thrusts, but it doesn’t matter. Because Dani is the one touching her and that’s all her body needs. 

Time doesn’t seem to matter as Dani keeps up her pace. Jamie thinks she could come from this alone, but then Dani kisses against her mark on her jaw and Jamie cries out and completely comes undone. Dani’s kisses leave her hips thrusting upwards, needing more and more as she reaches her orgasm. 

Jamie thinks she can come again alone from the nibble Dani gives her jaw, but she just shakes and shakes until Dani slips her fingers out of her. 

“Fuck,” she says as she tries to regain her breath. “Fuck.” 

Dani practically preens at the words above her, a smile splayed across her face. “Good?” she asks a little more pensive than she should be. Dani looks at her for approval and Jamie doesn’t know if she can get words out so soon after coming down. 

Instead, she pulls Dani down until their bodies are pressed together and Dani is draped against her like a blanket. Jamie could live in this moment forever with Dani pressing a kiss to her shoulder before tucking herself in. So, she goes with what Dani said before. 

“Best.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahhh! it happened! comments drive me and i appreciate every single one <3


	5. (for me) it was enough

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She can feel Dani’s hand on her back. Wishes to stay in this moment forever as she keeps her eyes shut, hoping not to leave this silence between the two of them. Everything else in the world seems so unimportant as she feels Dani’s fingers run against the burn scar across her shoulder. 
> 
> “I felt this.”

“Dani,” she mumbles as she wakes up, before she remembers that she’s in Dani’s bed. She doesn’t know when the last time she slept this late or well. Even after all her talks in therapy, her sleep often was still interrupted by nightmares or even just wandering thoughts. She quit right after getting out, couldn’t afford it and by the time she landed at Bly, she wasn’t looking to go back towards any cities. But after being with Dani, she slept more soundly than she had before. 

She can feel Dani’s hand on her back. Wishes to stay in this moment forever as she keeps her eyes shut, hoping not to leave this silence between the two of them. Everything else in the world seems so unimportant as she feels Dani’s fingers run against the burn scar across her shoulder. 

“I felt this.”

That gets Jamie to turn around and leave the haven of feeling Dani’s fingers against her skin, still staying in the cocoon they made for themselves. “What?” she asks because it's still early in the morning and her brain is fogged with a feeling she can’t describe, or rather yet is too afraid to describe as something akin to love. 

“When you got burned, I felt it. I was ten.”

“I’m sorry, I…” Jamie looks away from Dani because this was one of her fears to come alive.  _ Dani _ had been the one to feel all the time she had been hurt. Each fight she got into, every cut she got, and even the burn that had ruined her childhood. Dani had felt that all and it brought a wave of shame to her entire body. Before knowing Dani, she had thought it wouldn’t matter. She hadn’t planned on being with anyone like this. But with Dani? That devastated her. Dani didn’t deserve to feel the pain that she had suffered through. At least, she hoped Dani hadn’t dealt with the emotional trauma she had gone through. (But she remembers having that trainwreck of emotion that wasn’t her own, so she knows Dani probably felt those moments too.)

“No, no,” Dani says, her hand reaching to grab at Jamie’s neck getting her to look at her again. “Don’t. I just imagined how much pain you must have been in when I learned what it was. I thought of you.”

Silence is between them but Jamie just blankly stares at Dani. Dani starts to blush under the pressure of her stare. Jamie couldn’t help it. All she could think was to look at the woman in front of her that had  _ thought  _ of her. She had no one that did that before. 

“You thought of me,” she tests the words out against her tongue. It still hasn’t fully set in, because Jamie knows once it does, she will cry. She’ll cry because nobody’s ever thought of her before. 

“Of course,” Dani says like it’s the most normal thing in the world. “I thought of you all the time.”

She doesn’t know what to say. Can’t think of a single word that would describe what she was feeling inside. She just hopes a kiss means enough when she closes the gap between the two of them. 

The kiss starts out innocent enough, but then Dani’s tongue runs against her lips and Jamie just accept it becoming more. Jamie remembers they’re naked with a sudden blush as she feels Dani’s hand grip at her hip. Dani must realize it too because she hums and pulls away from the kiss with a blush and smile on her face. A smile that Jamie wants to keep pulling from her lips. “Sorry, I-- uh,” Dani stutters, her gaze flickering around Jamie’s face, landing on the mark that she now bares. She wonders if she’ll get used to having Dani look there and not have a swell of emotion rise in her chest. 

Because it’s real again. 

She has a mark on her neck that shows the world she found someone. She found someone that she’s chosen to be part of her life. Because the more Jamie dwelled on the fact, she remembered how Hannah’s mark had slowly marked her, not rushing, but appearing slowly over time as she opened herself up. 

Jamie was past that point with Dani. She had taken down her barriers to whatever would happen with Dani. She had pulled the walls down before Dani had even touched her. 

And she was so glad she had. So incredibly glad and grateful to whatever force in the universe that allowed her to be in this moment with Dani. In this moment with Dani who had marked her and she had marked Dani! How incredibly lucky she was, she thinks as she watches Dani’s face blush. 

“It’s alright, Poppins,” she says taking the time to reach out and brush hair from Dani’s face behind her ear. “Don’t have anything to be sorry about. Unless you--”

“No!” Dani interrupts before Jamie can go down that line of thought. Because she’s been burnt before and she doesn’t think she could handle that rejection from Dani. “We’re  _ naked, _ ” she whispers like it’s a secret and Jamie laughs. 

Dani joins in and Jamie wants to bottle it up to keep for any sad day. Her laugh could heal any hurt, Jamie was sure. “Kinda fun, ‘int it?” Jamie teases before she presses a kiss against Dani’s cheek, then her jaw, then stabilizing at Dani’s neck, kissing against a pulse point. 

Dani arches into her and Jamie can’t help but put her hands on her.

* * *

The silence of the morning slipped away when Dani once again found Flora wandering the grounds. Jamie curses herself for not waking up and finding the girl earlier. Usually she’d be out by 6, could have saved Flora a few hours in the cold of the morning. Flora waltzes into the kitchen with more pose then an eight year old should compose. 

Dani’s getting Flora dressed for the morning upstairs when Jamie finally emerges into the kitchen. She can feel the stares of Hannah and Owen even before she enters. 

They both look so happy and Jamie can’t find it in herself to be a hardass about anything this morning. “Mornin’.”

“Lovely night, wasn’t it?” Hannah teases and Jamie blushes. 

“That’s one way to put it,” she draws out as she pulls out a chair from the table to face the two of them. 

“Bit of an elephant in the room, hmm?” she tempts and brings her fingers up to where she just knows her mark is. Even without any raised or broken skin, her fingers instinctively know where the mark is. 

“And some would say mine got out of hand,” Owen says again with a goofy grin on his face. Jamie rolls her eyes because they’re going to be relentless aren’t they. 

“You did have to go somewhere where everyone would see, didn’t you?”

“Well, wandering hands spoke for me,” she draws out and Hannah snorts into her tea and Owen just keeps up that broad smile of his. 

Jamie laughs as well because they’re her  _ family _ and she needs the acceptance and good vibes that come from them. “Cheeky,” Hannah finally responds and Jamie beams. 

Owen goes back to cooking and she’s left across from Hannah, letting the gravity of the situation come into another light. She’s figured it out with Dani, at least she hopes she does, now she’s having to figure out how to experience the world marked. 

Her soulmark’s location will be talked about forever, she knows. But she can’t bring herself to care. It’s beautiful and she’ll willingly show it to the world. 

Hannah’s name gets rung out from Miles, calling to ask for assistance with something and up Hannah gets. Dani’s busy enough, they’ve all helped keep up with Miles as Flora gets the attention she needs. 

“Congratulations, love.” Hannah says softly before she leaves, putting a hand on Jamie’s shoulder and giving her a good squeeze. 

Owen’s cooking noises fill the space in the kitchen where words would typically go. He’s even humming some godforsaken song. Jamie would very much like to stay in this moment, but she has something she wants to say. Something she needs to say to Owen, her friend who had helped her so very much.

“You were, you know.” 

“What?” Owen turns to look at her. 

“You were right, you know,” Jamie says, her hands rubbing against one another as she finds the words. “It wasn’t that scary, turns out.”

“Of course I was.”

The thank you goes without saying as Owen sends a wink her way and she not to cry. God dammit, she tries hadn’t been lying when she told Dani she cried more around the grounds than anyone else. At least these were happy tears, she reasons as she found herself pushing a few stray tears that make their way out of her eyes.

* * *

The rest of the day passes by faster than usual. She finds herself drawn back into the house more often than before, looking to sneak a kiss to Dani or at least be in her gravity. Dani pulls her in no matter where she is. Dani doesn’t seem to mind the stolen kisses or the pull of her hand so that Jamie can stand closer. Dani who didn’t mind that her hands were a little dirty or didn’t mind the innuendos that she sometimes made. 

Dani who showed her mark on her arm proudly with her sleeves rolled up. Dani’s who’s mark screamed out to Jamie to touch it and feel the physical reminder that she was here with Dani. That Dani had let her  _ in _ . 

Her gardening may be a little lack luster today. In her mind, she’s elsewhere. She’s in the moment with Dani the night before. In the time where Dani came with her. She remembers how Dani’s body felt pressed against her own in the morning hours. How Dani had whispered like it was a big deal that they were both naked. How a kiss had turned to two to three to many, many more. 

As her fingers dug into dirt, she remembered how Dani’s kiss tasted and how she felt when Dani pressed her hand against her neck. How it made her almost kneel over in pleasure from it alone. 

Dani’s more scattered than she is. Jamie doesn’t have the responsibility of looking after the kids. She doesn’t have to know where they are or doing. Thank fuck for that, the plants were much easier. They listened to her whispers and grew when she poured love into them. 

She eats her lunch in the silence of her greenhouse. It’s the first time in a while that she’s eaten alone, but she doesn’t mind today. Today when there’s so much happiness on her mind, she appreciates the silence. Appreciates the moments that are just her own thinking. 

Thinking how her younger self would scoff at the idea that now she adored having a mark on her. 

She thinks about all the times that she’s promised herself she’d never have one, never let someone touch her that could mark her. 

It was so different than that. So different than the scared little girl who’s mother abandoned her and left her to fend for herself around men who wanted more from a 13 year old than anyone should ever want. So different than that scared little girl’s thoughts of forever and being tied down to something. 

Lunch passes fast and she finds herself back hands in the dirt, smiling to herself as thoughts of Dani pass through her mind. 

Miles is the next one to notice her soulmark. It’s when she comes back in from the garden before dinner to wash up. Owen promised a fine meal for the fine day they found themselves in. She knew he planned on sneaking in a desert as well to celebrate the two of them. He was too good that one. Hannah had the best. Well, perhaps best  _ man _ , nobody had Dani beat. 

“Jamie!” He says alarmed at first as he stares at her. She doesn’t mind the extra attention, instead lets the boy look at the mark on her neck and jaw. 

Another day, she’s buck under the pressure and probably leave for the night, not wanting anyone to get closer to her. Today, she allows him to stare and not feel anything more about it.

“Something wrong, love?” she teases out as he just opens and shuts his mouth in some sort of shock. 

“No! No, I just-- your  _ face _ !” But he’s not being mean, perhaps a bit off putting. He’s just in a state of shock more like. He had just seen her yesterday and they had talked about marks. She had said she hadn’t wanted one and then today, she turned up with a mark that she wore proudly. 

Miles seems to notice his question wasn’t exactly the most well said before he mummers he’s sorry and rushes towards the kitchen to see if there’s anything he can do to help for supper, probably embarrassed, poor fella. 

“Ah, look, my butter-half is here,” Owen speaks as Hannah and Dani enter the kitchen. Jamie boos quietly from her seat even with a grin on her face. 

“Don’t hate,” Owen feigns hurt, clutching at his chest as if she’s driven a knife into it. “Looks like you’re butter-half is here as well.” 

Owen’s more like an older brother than a friend she reckons. Someone she can tease and get teased from. Someone that is a grounding force for her, a reliable person. So much better than Denny ever was. So much better than the harassments she got from him. Owen was infinitely better than any family she had before. 

Dani’s hand on her shoulder brings her back to reality. Dani gives her shoulder a squeeze and brings presses a kiss to Jamie’s head. No real kiss, not yet. Jamie understands, she really does. Before she had gotten comfortable with herself, she was the same. 

Dani was oh so much braver than anyone gave her credit for. Because she wore her mark proudly and wasn’t embarrassed for any of these people around them to care. It wasn’t something to be shameful of. 

Not with family. 

* * *

“You got your mark,” Flora says so softly, but there’s excitement laced in the tiredness. Flora’s still laying down but at least the little girl is smiling and that means so much. Smiles are contagious and Jamie feels one spread out on her face. Because she has her mark now. 

Because her mark is  _ Dani _ . 

There’s nothing better than that. 

“I did.”

“Was it from Ms. Clayton?” 

“It was.”

“I knew it.”

“How did you?” Jamie has no doubts that Flora did know. Flora knew everything it seems. 

Flora’s quiet, Jamie wonders if she’s finally falling asleep as she rubs a pattern onto the blanket separating the two of them. Dani’s been stressed all day about Flora, Jamie could take this time with her at least. Spare Dani a few minutes to get herself together. 

Jamie could see herself in Flora when she was younger, before the world of foster care had roughen her up forever. She remembers losing her mom and losing her dad basically at the same time. Remembers having to grow up so quickly and trying to make everything seem better than it was. Protecting her siblings and the people around her rang true to both of them. 

“I just did.” 

Jamie hums her agreement. Hoping that just the presence of someone near will be enough to lull the little girl to sleep. 

“Ms. Clayton is perfectly splendid,” Flora adds, opening back her eyes. Eyes that look undeniably Flora’s. Somedays her eyes seem different, strange. Miles has the same effect, but in this moment it’s completely Flora in front of her. 

“She is.” 

Flora nods, closing her eyes again. 

“You are perfectly splendid, too,” Flora adds before slipping into sleep. “She’s very lucky.”

Jamie sneaks a quick look over her shoulder and finds Dani standing there. She wonders if she has heard what Flora has said, but she reasons pretty quickly that she had when she sees the smile on her face. 

“Night, love,” Jamie whispers out, not wanting to interrupt the silence of Flora sleeping. Pressing a kiss to her forehead before she stands back up. Flora never fails to make her days better. An annoying habit when she had first started here, but now she craves the happiness the little girl brings. Even when she’s tired or upset, Flora never brings anything other than happiness to other people’s lives. 

She leave the room quietly, watching Dani shut the door behind them on the way out. 

“Flora’s residence,” Flora’s voice rings out before the door is finally shut. 

“Sleep talking, sleep walking, she’s having a rough time of it,” Jamie says, settling against the table across from Dani. 

Dani is concerned and it shows clearly on her face. There’s no doubt in Jamie’s mind that Dani is badly searching for something she can do to help. Maybe Jamie can help, opening up another piece of herself to Dani. “Yeah.. I don’t know what else to do. So, yeah, I think I’m going to take her to the doctor in the morning.”

“She needs a psychologist,” Jamie adds, Dani just stares at her so she continues. “We have mandated therapy inside. I hated it. Didn’t think it would do anything. My assigned psychologist, Tamara, she was relentless, a dog with a bone that woman. So I started talking just to shut her up. After a month, I realized I was sleeping through the night.”

“Wow,” Dani breaths out and there is no judgment between her eyes. “You might be right.”

“I’m gonna go.”

“Oh?”

“I should change my clothes at least,” she says and Dani laughs. 

“Well, you could come back?”

“Tonight?”

“Yeah, tonight.”

“I dunno, Poppins. I dunno, you’ve got your hands full.”

“Well, I’m going to be up all night, checking up on her anyway.” Dani who’s gaze keeps flickering from her eyes to her lips and to the spot on her jaw. Dani’s entirely inviting place across her in the hall. She wants to stay, oh she aches to stay, but she can’t. Not tonight. 

“Goodnight,” Jamie says, even though she wants to fall into Dani’s gaze. “Just goodnight.” Dani’s body has been attracted her like a magnet it seems. Other half of the magnet is inside of her and she grips Dani’s hands in her own. “There are other nights. And there will be other nights.”

“You promise?” Dani says so eagerly that she can’t help but push herself towards Dani to gain another kiss from her lips. A kiss that earns a small moan from Dani. 

“I promise,” Jamie says as she pulls away with a smile. A smile that is mirrored on Dani’s face. A strong ache pulls her to stay with Dani, but she knows she needs time alone. She needs time to process her feeling without them all spilling out onto Dani. 

That was trauma, not real. She wouldn’t allow herself to only be trauma bonded to Dani. She had gone through that before and what she had with Dani was too pure for that to happen. So she’d leave for the night and come back in the morning. Come back in the morning knowing more about what she was feeling, knowing that her feelings towards Dani would only grow. 

* * *

When she gets home, it only takes about 30 minutes for her to feel scared. A feeling she hadn’t felt in such a long time, but she can’t possibly figure out why. 

It must be Dani, she decides as she gets up from her couch. She paces the floor at her apartment, uncaring if the bar downstairs can hear her or not. 

Does she go back? She wonders as she walks and walks and walks. 

Maybe she shouldn’t, didn’t want to press Dani if this worry was just over Flora. Flora who she loved very dearly was going through something that even Jamie couldn’t explain. Perhaps that was the fear that found itself sitting in the pit of her stomach. 

She walks and she walks and walks until she feels something other than the pit of fear in her stomach. Feels something more like bravery that’s mixed with fear. 

Then she has go move. She has to get into her truck and go back to Bly, because the fear is too great to ignore anymore. 

She gets into her truck too fast, muttering for the bloody thing to start as it keeps a steady rumble. Stupid fucking truck that never worked when she needed it to. 

“Fucking start,” she wills it into existence as the engine finally roars into life. 

The fear that encompasses her only grows as she gets further and further from town. 

Until the fear is replaced by sheer terror and she can’t fucking  _ breathe _ . 

She can’t breath and her truck skids off the road. Her hands jump to her throat, trying to will it to breathe again. Because this is different than all those years ago when she couldn’t breathe. Different than when Dani had an allergic reaction to onions. Different than anything she’s felt before. 

Her entire body aches 

She wishes to scream out in the agony of it all, but only a groan escapes her lips. 

Jamie could be in this state for hours it seems, breathing is too difficult and it takes her entire brain power to just keep breathing that she’s not the one struggling. 

A knock startles her out of her thoughts. When she looks over, it’s Owen in her window, it’s Owen who is opening her door. It’s Owen who kneels next to her and who starts talking to her. 

He just repeats her name until she’s looking at him with a face that shocks him. She’s completely red in the face, the lack of oxygen that’s she’s had, hand grasped at her throat in the night. 

“Just breathe,” he commands and she listens. She sucks in a deep breathe and blows it out. Then another and another, until she can stomach saying anything

“Something’s wrong,” she says and he nods his head. Of course, why else would he be up in the middle of the night driving down this deserted road. 

“Something’s wrong,” he repeats and she nods. 

She’s in no shape to drive. She just leaves her truck abandoned on the side of the road and hops into Owen’s. “It’s bad,” she says once he’s driving again. His hands are clenched on the steering wheel turning white the longer they drive. 

And then she sees it. His mark. The once vibrant mark that is growing darker and darker. A gasp leaves her throat before she yanks down the mirror to stare at her own mark. A mark that’s darker as well, not as much as Owen, but nothing like it should look. The darkness seems to continue happening as she stares and stares. 

Even though she knows she can breathe, her hand still stays wrapped around her throat, as if that way she can do something about the lack of oxygen. 

And it’s someone who’s chocking her. She knows that for sure, someone is chocking  _ Dani _ .

Owen knows that’s something wrong and he’s driving faster than they should this late at night, but neither of them mind. 

By the time they’re driving up the driveway, Jamie takes in a deep breathe that isn’t her own.  _ Thank fuck _ , because Dani can breathe again. She pulls the mirror back down and her mark is back to its normal colors.  _ Thank fuck _ , she thinks again, running her fingers across it, trying to get some comfort from it. 

What the fuck was happening?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for all the support and comments. i'm having a bit of a hard time rn and really appreciate the comments. they've been really helpful to know people are interested in this story. i'll try to get the other few parts up in the next week. <3


	6. seen this film before (and i didn't like the ending)

Her fear didn’t evaporate once she was on the grounds again. It didn’t disappear, but something else was happening. An amount of bravery that she had never felt before arose in her chest. 

“The lake, they need you at the lake,” Hannah says once they’ve pulled close enough to the house. She doesn’t know where Hannah has come from, but it doesn’t matter. She says the lake and Jamie hears Dani scream and she runs. Runs and ignores how Owen tries to cup Hannah’s face, not understanding what was happening. She doesn’t know how her legs get her to the lake so fast, but thank god they do. 

Because Dani is standing in it with Flora clutched to her. 

Jamie thinks she sees another figure in the lake, but right now all that matters is Dani. 

“Dani,” she cries out as she finally gets to her side. No worry about her clothes getting wet, just caring that Dani is aching with some emotion she’s only felt once before. 

Dani is clutching at Flora and Jamie arches around the little girl to be able to see Dani. Dani’s eyes are frantic as she finally stares at her. It doesn’t even accrue to her that one of the eyes is now brown. All she can focus on is the overwhelming anxiety that is being radiated off Dani. 

“It’s us. It’s us.” 

Jamie doesn’t know what those words mean. Doesn’t even know why Dani is saying them while she’s stuck in the lake. All she knows is that she believes her. Whatever happened to Dani, she had felt it too. It was real. 

“Shh,” Jamie hushes to try and get Dani to stop repeating the same words. Tried to get her to relax a little bit before she would move them out of the lake. Dani finally stops repeating and she can feel more relief rush over her as she presses her forehead against Dani’s. Even as they emerge from the lake, she keeps a steady arm wrapped around Dani’s waist. Keeping her still, pressed against her. 

Jamie doesn’t think she could stand not touching Dani right now. Thank fuck for Owen’s help, because Jamie still isn’t too steady on her feet after being choked or rather Dani being choked. Her breath is still shallow as she feels the pain residual left over. She saw Dani’s bruises already forming on her chin and neck. That terror, she knew, would be remembered for the rest of her days. Watching her mark start to fade would not leave her mind, because it meant she had almost  _ lost _ Dani and she couldn’t fathom that. Dani was her person. Finally after not having a person, she had found Dani and she couldn’t lose her now. Not ever. 

Owen asks about Hannah and Jamie’s eyes move to his mark that is now completely black. Her heart sinks. 

Marks that were black only meant one thing. Owen hasn’t processed that fact yet, still asking where she is. Tears make their way down her cheeks at the thought of losing one of her closest friends. 

“Help me get her inside?” she asks Owen, who is still frazzled, nods his head, letting his arm take most of the support off her. Henry is with the kids and Jamie lets the thoughts of him, Flora and Miles slip from her head. Her only priority is Dani. Dani still whispers “it’s us” so often. Jamie doesn’t know how to respond to that, only keeping her arm squeezed tight around her. 

By the time they get back inside, Jamie takes the brunt of her again because Owen finally looks down and sees that his mark is black. He looks down and stumbles backwards. Even Dani seems to notice, turning her head to see why he had left. Turned to see that black now pooled around his hand. So black and empty that Jamie couldn’t look at it for longer than a second. 

How close had she been to having black permanently inked on her face tonight? 

“Owen,” she says as she starts pulling Dani towards the stairs. “I’ll be back. I’ll come back.”

Owen doesn’t even seem to notice her words, but he still nods and she takes a deep breathe. Whatever happened, she’ll be there for Owen. 

For her brother. 

For Hannah. 

Right now, she just focused on getting Dani up the stairs. 

“Jamie,” Dani whispers after they’ve gotten back up to her bedroom. She’s shut and locked the door behind them, still unease over what happened tonight. “Lady in the lake.”

Jamie still doesn’t understand what Dani is trying to say, but she just nods her head. “Okay.”

She doesn’t want to push Dani to talk, not right now. Not when she’s still strung out, her eyes frantic. 

Dani is still staring at her when she closes the distance between the two of them. Dani’s eyes start flickering between her eyes and her mark on her neck. Frantic to still see it. Jamie knows the feeling from when she was in the car. Seeing the mark brought some comfort because Dani was still here. Dani was alive and that mattered more than anything else. 

Dani’s hand comes up and presses against the mark and Jamie closes her eyes and shutters. Shutters because there is nothing like this feeling. The feeling you only get when you are with your person. Feeling that grounds her to the earth beneath her feet. Jamie can only hope that it does the same for Dani that it does for her. She assumes it does the way that Dani’s breaths finally start to even out. When she opens her eyes, Dani is just staring at her, her hand pressed against her neck. “She’s out there.”

“Alright,” she responds, reaching up to grab at Dani’s wrist on her face. She needs the connection as much as Dani does. “Let's get you into something dry.”

Dani nods, but she doesn’t move. “Dani, I got to move.”

“Not yet, please.”

Jamie stays put in the moment, letting her presence be enough for Dani. Dani’s thumb rubs against her jaw. Jamie is more worried about Dani being wet than herself. Who knows how long Dani spent in the water, standing there with Flora. 

“She tried-- she was going to take Flora.”

“Flora’s safe.”

“I said--- she’s in  _ here _ , now,” Dani whispers pointing into her chest. “She’s in  _ me _ .”

Jamie doesn’t know what to say, so she doesn’t respond, just grasps at Dani’s hand squeezing tight. 

“We need to get you out of these wet clothes,” Jamie insists, but Dani’s slumped down on the bench. She doesn’t respond again, her gaze focused elsewhere. Moments pass with no response, so Jamie offers another option, “do you want help?”

Dani says nothing, but nods her head. That’s a start and something Jamie can do in this moment where she feels like she can do nothing. She goes to the dresser and pulls out some nightgown to ease Dani in. “Arms up,” she commands and Dani listens, her arms going half way up. The wet sweater is heavier than Jamie expected, but she gets it off and tosses it away on the floor. This is so different than the last time she took off Dani’s clothes. 

No heat radiates up her during this. She doesn’t even have any impure thoughts as she pulls Dani’s trousers down her legs and off. “Stand up.” Dani obeys and she’s finally able to take the trousers completely off, her hands pulling at Dani’s soaked socks. “Turn around.” 

Dani turns around and Jamie unclasps her bra, letting it fall on the floor before grabbing the nightgown and bringing it over Dani’s head. She can almost see the cold that must be seeping through Dani’s body. The lake was frigid, colder than it should have been. 

She turns Dani back around, pulling the nightgown fully down until Dani can slip off her own pants and put on a dry pair. “Alright, to bed, then.” 

It’s when she’s finally in bed that Dani starts talking again. The haze that’s been brought over the both of them lifts ever so slightly. 

“I can’t-- I can’t stay here. I have to go away. Far away.”

“‘Ight, let’s go somewhere else.”

“ _ Jamie _ .” Dani speaks her name so desperately, like she’s expecting her to just keel over and leave her. There is no possibility of that happening. Doesn’t matter what happened, Jamie is here to stay, as long as Dani wants her. 

“You’re not getting rid of me that easy, you know.”

Dani is staring at her, one blue and one brown searching into her soul it feels. She’ll have to talk about that soon enough, because she knows they were both blue when she left early in the night. 

“Unless you don’t w--”

“No!” Dani interjects before she can even get the words out of her mouth. 

“Then, it’s you and me, Poppins. Rather fancy an adventure with my girl.”

Dani looks up at her like she’s said the most romantic thing. It’s only the truth. An adventure away from Bly would be good for both of them. She’s been here for almost 5 years and with Hannah… She doesn’t think she can stay on the grounds either. And now she has to go back downstairs to be with Owen once Henry tells him what he couldn’t in front of the children. 

She has to be there for him because he has always been there for her. 

Dani’s eyes have drifted closed, so she thinks it’s the right time to slip out. “I’ll be back,” she whispers into the silence. 

“Promise?” The question is so pure that she tears up. 

“I promise,” she answers before pressing a kiss to Dani’s forehead. This is a promise she can keep. 

* * *

The morning comes and they find themselves walking towards the well on the property. Henry had waited until the kids were back in bed to let them know what Hannah had told him. Jamie had been by his side as he told him that Hannah loved him. Stood by his side as he had silent sobs wreck through his body. Her grip on his arm didn’t seem to be enough. 

Jamie tries her hardest to not keep her eyes on his mark. It’s darker than black. Almost like a nothingness as a color. Darker than black and empty. Her fingers had automatically drifted to her mark, pressing against it to remind herself that she still felt it, her mark was still there. She wondered if Owen could feel anything when he pressed into his hand. 

The walk to the well is made in silence. 

Because even though Hannah was Owen’s soulmate, Hannah was her friend first. The first true friend she had since she got out of jail. The first friend who knew so much about her and didn’t judge her. Jamie had been lucky enough to watch Hannah and Owen’s relationship, however much they disclosed to her or even each other. 

Walking there takes both longer and shorter than she expected. In this inbetween of knowing something to be true and seeing it really could fuck you up. 

She knew what the black meant. Knew in her bones that Hannah was gone forever. 

But looking down the well and seeing it?

Nothing prepared her for that. 

Nothing prepared her for the sobs that came out of Owen. She wasn’t prepared for the tears that pooled in her eyes and fell even when she was trying to be strong for Owen. 

“I’m so sorry, Owen,” she whispers as they embrace. Owen is still sobbing and she doesn’t know what else she can say or do. So she stays embracing him, gripping his jacket hard in her hands. 

Would last night have ended the same way for Dani if she had succumbed to the lady in the lake she talked about? 

* * *

Calm settled over Bly in a way that Jamie hadn’t expected. Never realized that there was a tension,  _ gravity _ that pulled into Bly until it was gone. The air was different, lighter. Nothing was trapped on the grounds anymore. Even Dani, who was adamant that she has been forever changed, would soon not be here. 

Dani explained the feeling like waiting for a beast in the jungle. Dani who easily gave her an out anytime. Jamie knew she was just waiting for Jamie to decide this was all too much.

The thing was-- it wasn’t. Nothing would be too much of Dani. Even if it meant dealing with a beast, she’d fight a beast for Dani. Jamie would try and take up as much of the rage that she could. She’d open her heart for all the pain and suffering that Dani may face. As long as they faced it together, she knew they’d survive. 

No, not just survive. 

_ Live _ . 

Live which was so much better than just surviving. Never before had she wanted to live so badly, so fiercely. And not just her, she wanted Dani to live. 

So America is where they settled on going. Dani hadn’t returned back to America in months she said, but it was like something comforting about going back. Jamie had never even been out of the country, let alone on a plane. 

She’d do it for Dani. 

As long as it was the two of them, she’d follow Dani to the ends of the earth. 

She’d happily keep the company of Dani until their dying days. 

* * *

Dani doesn’t necessarily fit into her apartment. It’s crowded as it is without having two people living there for the next day and a half. She didn’t spend much time in it to begin with, so it was a little rusty on the edges. Henry said he’d keep up the lease for her during her holiday, but something in the back of Jamie’s mind had her knowing she wouldn’t return here once they left. 

The first day had gone by well enough. They were still exhausted from recovering and spent the majority of their time asleep. 

Next day was the last full day they’d had in Bly. Jamie was itching to get moving and doing things. She wasn’t much for sitting still and doing nothing. Instead, they bought a map and started to chart a course for their adventure. 

Dani hasn’t liked the idea. It’s too far into the future, she says when they’re circling places on the map. A fucking giant map that must contain multiple countries, not just one. 

“One step at a time.” 

It has become her motto in the last few days as Dani is more tense than normal. Jamie knows she’s fighting within herself, so she tries to make the outside world as simple as it can be. 

“Sorry, I’m just-- we don’t know and you didn’t  _ choose _ this…” she babbles off and Jamie grabs her hand from across the bed where they’ve situated themselves. 

Jamie doesn’t want her to continue those thoughts. Thoughts that would only bring Dani pain and regret. “Don’t say that,” Jamie pleads. 

“I just  _ marked _ you.”

“I mean it, Dani. Don’t say shit like that,” she says shaking her head at the notion. “Even if you hadn’t marked me. I was already in. I already chose you. Even with this beast, I still choose you.”

Dani stares at her in that beautiful way that she does so often. Jamie’s never been looked at like this. Something so pure and that belongs entirely to her. Jamie hopes that what she’s said has set into Dani’s brain. She’s not going anywhere. No. She is here for the long haul. She will continue to choose Dani. She doesn’t know what she expects Dani to say, but she says nothing. 

Instead, she finds Dani moving to straddle her in the bed. Her hand automatically goes to Jamie’s mark and it makes her tremble. 

No words are needed as Dani closes the distance and presses her lips against Jamie’s. An invitation that accepted and Jamie’s hands pulled at Dani’s back, getting them closer together. The kiss turns to another and another. Kisses that speak for them. 

I’m here. 

I’m not going anywhere.

I choose you. 

Dani puts her entire body into the kiss. Jamie’s hands pull at her trousers to get her shirt out. As soon as she can, she puts her hands directly on Dani’s back. 

* * *

America is different from what she expected. 

It’s a whole lot of nothing for miles and miles. 

Perhaps it’s because they flew into the middle of the bloody giant country just to drive up the coast which was hours and hours of driving away. 

Even with her complaints, she wouldn’t trade this time with Dani for the world. Watching Dani drive fascinates her. Really watching Dani do anything fascinates her. Long hours in the car make for great storytelling time and by the time they’re in Massachusetts, Jamie feels like she truly knows Dani. On a whole new level than before. 

She knows when Dani quit teaching. She knows why Dani doesn’t want to teach again. Jamie learns more about the dead fiance, learns more about how they were together since Dani was a kid. 

For each story Dani gives her, Jamie returns one. She tells her about her memories of her mom. She tells her about the reason she was locked up. Stories about her brothers and her supposed friends in London are a hit with Dani. She doesn’t just share the happy stories. There are sad stories about when her mom left. She imagines a life where she was older when Mikey was born and how she would have kept him out of foster care. The topic of foster care comes up, but she doesn’t dwindle or really talk about it. Still too harsh of a wound to dissect in the car. When she’s driving, stories just fall out of her mouth. Things that she had forgotten about now make their way into conversations. 

And Dani just lets her talk. Lets her tell her things about her life that she’s never told anyone. Because Dani does the same. Dani will turn and look at her with a “I can’t believe I told you that.” 

The days turn to weeks and months pass when they end up sticking around in Vermont. A place that they spend their first Christmas in their apartment they just got. An apartment together where they let their roots start to grow. She has some money left over from working at Bly to get them through a year or so. 

To add to the reasons to love her, Dani is the one to suggest a floral shop. Jamie remembers telling Dani that was her dream on one of their night drives. She was sure Dani had fallen asleep as she was talking.

_ The Leafling _ . 

Dani comes up with the name and Jamie loves it immediately. She grins so wide that she thinks it may split her face open, but then Dani is kissing her and Jamie thinks of nothing else.

A year passes and they’ve found a rhythm in their new life together. The beast still lurks in their minds, but they settle into peace. 

Peace that comes from long hours at work and time spent just between the two of them. A year passes and they become more comfortable in their new surroundings. They discover where to go where people don’t stare at them. 

Jamie learns how to exist with a mark on her face. A mark that gains attention wherever they end up. Customers in her shop ask about it all the time. Dani apologizes after too nosy customers try to touch it. But Jamie doesn’t really mind too much. Because she’d scream it to the world if Dani wanted. Dani was hers and she was Dani’s. 

It was really that simple. 

Nightmares come and go. Both her’s and Dani’s. Nightmares that are soothed by the comfort of your lover pressed against you. 

* * *

One day in April is particularly rough on her. She knows Dani can feel the lingering anxiety under her skin. She called the number she had for Mikey to only find it disconnected. The one link back to her family that she barely had left was suddenly gone. 

She spends the entire day snarking at any customer that comes through the door. To the point that finally Dani’s has enough and sends her home for the day. Jamie probably pissed her off just as much she thinks as she makes the way back to the apartment. Dani didn’t yet know about the call, but she probably still wouldn’t appreciate being snarked to. 

She takes a hot shower, one of her favorites to try and let go some of the tension that wraps tightly around her body. She curses her body for crying because she’s not sad, she’s fucking pissed. Pissed that they’d up and change their number without giving her a chance to get a new one. 

Mikey didn’t need his big sister bothering him anyway, but that wasn’t the point. 

All of her old family was gone. 

Now it turns out, she is the only Taylor left. She curses the thing for making her so upset even as she gets out of the shower. 

She’s not expecting to see Dani until later in the evening. So she puts on one of her favorite shirts and shorts and tucks herself into bed. 

Dani surprises her by arriving home no less than an hour later. An hour later and Jamie feels a semblance of shame arise on her face. 

“Those were paying customers, Jamie!”

“I know, I just fucked up, okay?” she tightens around herself, trying to make herself smaller than she already is. She doesn’t think she can handle Dani being too upset at her. 

“What’s wrong?” Dani asks with her forearms still crossed in front of her. 

“The number for Mikey. It’s disconnected or some sort of shite device.” 

“Oh baby,” Dani says as she finally wraps her into a hug. Jamie doesn’t need to cry anymore, but she takes the embrace, letting Dani’s hands comfort her more than anything else could. “You could just tell me when you’re this upset,” Dani whispers against her neck. “I’ve felt it all day.”

Through the years, it’s like they’ve become more attuned to the other’s feelings. Jamie can easily feel Dani’s anxiety these days if it is particularly rough. She could feel if Dani was happy too. That was her favorite feeling.

She wants to not feel this strange sadness anymore. She wants to feel something else. 

So she doesn’t complain when she can feel Dani’s breath against her mark and she trembles. She’ll never get used to how compelling a single touch can be. She hopes Dani can feel the heat that builds in her core as Dani presses a kiss against the mark. “ _ Please _ ,” she whimpers out. 

Dani seems to get the message and hums against her neck, sending her whole body shivers. Any worry other than Dani has slipped from her mind thankfully. All she can focus on is the goddess that keeps hold of her.

“‘M’sorry for yelling,” Jamie keens into Dani’s neck as the grip tightens around her hair. Jamie brought her hand up to grip at Dani’s mark, feeling how Dani preens harshly against her. A small smile is brought on her face knowing she can have this affect on her. 

“How sorry?” Dani panted out, her hand tugging down on Jamie’s curls pulling her back slightly so that she could see her face. 

“Properly sorry,” Jamie whispers out, her eyes flickering from Dani’s eyes to her lips and back again. 

Dani loosens her hold on her, but Jamie doesn’t want them too far apart, so she keeps her grip on Dani’s arm. She knows the contact is keeping Dani coming back to arch against her. 

“You’re a real brat, you know,” Dani mummers as she closes the distance between the two of them again. Her hand still gripped Jamie’s hair. This time, she’s shifted the pull so she can have the entirety of Jamie’s neck to her control. She pressed kisses down her jaw and Jamie thinks she could come from this alone. The kisses and then small nibbles on the skin that have her moan out in pleasure. 

As soon as she grasps at Dani’s back trying to pull them somehow closer together, Dani backs off, leaving only the breath of a kiss on her skin. “I don’t know, you don’t seem sorry.”

This will be how Jamie dies one day. With this incredible woman staring her down with a gaze that makes her clench in want. “I am,” Jamie says definitely but Dani still has her hair in her hand and doesn’t change her gaze. 

“I don’t know,” Dani ponders and Jamie knows what to do to get her forgiveness. Knows what this game is leading up to, something they haven’t tried before, but something they’ve talked about late at night when their guards laid down. 

“How can I make it up to you, Miss Clayton?” Jamie asks softly and watches as Dani’s eyes shut with a shudder. When Dani opens her eyes, Jamie knows she has to still move this along, Dani’s already at the edge and Jamie will make it easier for her. Jamie can guide them to the couch where she can have Dani sit down. Jamie’s mouth salivates with want as she watches the skirt Dani is wearing ride up on her thighs once she sits. “How can I make it up to you?” she asks again, kneeling in front of Dani whose eyes are blown out watching her. 

“This is a good place to start.”

“Here?” Jamie teases, sliding her hand up the bare skin in front of her. Dani nods and Jamie takes the time to bring her mouth to the open piece of skin, pressing kisses against the tense muscle. “Here?” Jamie says as she kisses the other thigh. 

Dani’s hand moves down until her grip is again in Jamie’s hair and Jamie clenches when the fingers tug. Even all blushed, Dani still makes out a “don’t tease me.” 

Jamie nods and uses her hands to spread Dani’s legs open. “Off?” she asks for consent as she lets her hands trail up to Dani’s pants. 

“Take them off,” Dani commands and Jamie happily complies. She helps Dani slip them off one foot at a time. When she spreads Dani’s legs again, she kisses her way up trembling thighs. She’ll never get tired of doing this, she thinks as she uses her fingers to first spread Dani’s wet center. She has a thousand teases she could make, but Dani’s hand is pushing her down. 

She takes her wet fingers and plops them into her mouth, staring right up at Dani. “Be good,” Dani warns with a tremble. Jamie nods and lets her head go under the rest of Dani’s pushed up skirt. 

It will never stop taking her breath away when she first licks at Dani and Dani’s thighs close around her face in a desperate want. Nothing will ever top this, she thinks as she uses her tongue against her. After all this time, she knows how to tease Dani the best. But she knows that Dani’s already passed the point of teasing, well at least for this first round. Instead she brings her fingers up and enters Dani slowly as she tongues at her. 

“Fuck, fuck.” 

Jamie smiles at the curse words. “I’m trying, love.” 

Dani grinds against her face and fingers and she’ll die this way happily. Let her last minutes on earth compose of having Dani grind against her face. Let her die with a smile on her face. 

She finds her rhythm easily, letting her fingers curl as her tongue works its magic against Dani’s center. Dani swears again and she knows that she’s close. Can feel it in the way that Dani’s thighs squeeze against her. Can feel it in the pleasure she feels in the pit of her stomach. She keeps up her pace and lets Dani grind down against her. Becomes a willing receptacle of anything Dani wants her to be in the moment. 

Her knees ache, but she’ll take the pain, but her pace quickens. Her tongue sucks and then Dani’s legs close around her head and she falls apart. She slides her fingers out and uses her tongue to lick at Dani, keeping her going through the afterwaves. She doesn’t stop until Dani’s pulling her up off her. Dani’s lips are swollen from her biting them and Jamie can’t resist kissing them. Can’t resist straddling Dani and kissing her deeply, needy with want. “Am I forgiven?” she asks when they pull away and Dani has brushed a curl out of her forehead. 

“Always.” 

Her chest is full of love and absolute desire at the word. Her heart beats harsh on her chest when Dani palms at her mark. She’ll take all from Dani if it means Dani’s hand is slipping underneath her trousers and pants. She’ll take anything to get this result. Dani bites at her neck and Jamie clenches around the fingers that have easily slipped inside of her. “Don’t stop,” she cries as she rides the waves of Dani’s fingers. Dani’s fingers are slow and Jamie is red from top to toe with a blush at the thought that she’s openly riding her girlfriend’s fingers on the couch in the middle of the day. She doesn’t find any shame in it, but the filthy thoughts in her brain are being matched with Dani’s actions. 

It only takes a few more thrusts and presses of Dani’s thumb to make her cry out as well. Her hips slow as Dani’s fingers slip out from her. Anytime she thinks it can’t get better, it does. Any residual sadness is washed away with Dani’s pull on her back until she’s swept up in another embrace. How can she morn a family when she has this family she’s created for herself? She takes deep breaths as she comes down, letting her head fall against Dani’s shoulder. 

“Feel better?” Dani questions with a small laugh at Jamie’s groan into her shoulder. 

* * *

Five years pass. Five years of having a life together. Five years where Jamie falls more and more in love.

And when they are least expecting it, the beast returns. 

Jamie knows that Dani is keeping something from her. She can tell by the twitches in Dani’s lips when she asks what’s wrong. 

Jamie can’t decide if she’s more upset or hurt by the exclusion. Watching Dani after all these years start to block her out again, her heart aches. Dani doesn’t even need to tell her it’s the beast, she already knows. She knows by Dani’s more frequent nightmares and the way that a fear arises in her chest sometimes during the day. A fear that isn’t her own. 

She doesn’t know what she’s done wrong to be blocked out like this. But she won’t press Dani, because that will end up in a fight that neither of them wants. 

A shriek from the bathroom makes her race there. “Dani?” she questions as she enters and sees Dani trembling standing as far from the bathtub as she could. “What’s wrong?” 

“I thought--I thought I saw her,” she stutters out, her eyes frantic when they meet Jamie’s. “I did. I saw her.” 

“Alright, it’s alright,” Jamie soothes, any residing hurt at Dani hiding this from her slipping away as she focuses on caring for Dani. Dani who was just trying to protect her after all. “It’s been years. Years of peace.” 

And it has. This beast didn’t get to take that away from them, Jamie thinks angrily. She doesn’t get to take Dani. No. 

Never. 

“Baby,” Jamie utters as she pulls Dani around so she can wrap her arms around her in a hug. Dani clings back to her desperately, needing the anchor that Jamie provides. “You haven’t been sleeping well.” 

“I just--I keep seeing  _ her _ .”

“Okay, we can deal with it,” Jamie reassures as she strokes the back of Dani’s head, something she’d never get sick of. They’ll get through this together. Jamie kept choosing Dani. “Do you still want a bath?” she asks as she glances over at the tub.

It’s one of Dani’s favorite things. Jamie doesn’t want the beast to take it away from her. 

“I don’t, I don’t want to be alone.” 

“Then I’ll stay. Seems awfully boring to me,” she teases to get a quick sniffle out of Dani, who is still slightly trembling in her arms. She helps Dani take off her rob and sink into the water that has been prepared. 

Jamie sits pressed against the wall next to the tub and begins to talk about her day, letting her words dull Dani’s thoughts out. It’s not until later in the night that she finally has the peace of mind to bring it up again. 

“What’s her name?” Jamie asks, curious if she can learn more about this lady in the lake, this beast that’s stalking Dani. 

“What?”

“Does she have a name? The beast in the jungle?”

The question seems to stump Dani who looks at her confused. 

“Maybe we ask her next time,” Jamie offers as a suggestion. A name she could work with. If she had a name, maybe she could fix this all. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for all the love on the last chapter <3 that really inspired me to get this next one out for you guys. there are a few hints of what my next AU i'm writing is about in this chapter, see if you can spot it! :) 
> 
> otherwise, we're in the endgame now guys. buckle up.


	7. invisible string (tying you to me)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jamie could see lights in her eyes and her spirit that Jamie hadn’t realized she had missed so dearly. Dani deserved to be happy, to have the light air around her. 
> 
> Her whispers at night have become more desperate. 
> 
> Please, she says, quiet enough to not wake Dani.

Jamie wishes she could figure this out. 

There’s an ache inside her chest she can’t even begin to fathom as the days and weeks pass by. More and more time passes and Dani becomes more and more paranoid. Her life has become more complex. Complex in a way that neither of them wanted or expected. 

So she waits and learns all she can about possession. Learns what religion says about it, learns what witchcraft says about it, learns everything she can. 

There’s nothing she wouldn’t try to save Dani. Jamie didn’t know how she could survive without her. 

It wasn’t only for selfish reasons. 

A few weeks after the scare in the bathroom, Dani had come to her with a name. 

“Viola, I think,” Dani tells her a few weeks after the bathroom incident. “I think that’s her name. It’s-- she’s so  _ loud _ ,” Dani whispers like she’s trying to shush the voice inside her head. 

She could work with a name. Who the fuck was Viola? And what did she want with her girlfriend? 

* * *

Viola turns out to be Viola Lloyd. A mistress of the manor that had a long time ago. She only gets this knowledge after she only vaguely threatens the new grounds keeper on the grounds with getting fired. She doesn’t think that Henry would actually fire someone on her behalf, but still. Viola Lloyd is the name that belongs to the grave inside the chapel. 

A grave that she’s walked over hundreds of times and never bothered to look at. All the graves seemed so loud on the grounds. A place that she barely spent anytime, leaving it unkempt. 

She tries to find everything she can find about her. 

But her searches are limited. There’s not much information that she can dig up in America about her. Even calling some local history centers near the manor gave her little hope. 

All she knows is that she existed and wasn’t some demon that was haunting the both of them. She was alive and then died. The manor left the hands of her family soon after her death, since then it was bounced around from family to family until the Wingraves purchased it, years before Charlotte or the children were even in the minds of their father. 

She wanted to scream at Viola. But that would mean screaming at Dani. And she’d never do that. 

So, she does what she can. While Dani sleeps beside her, Jamie sits up and whispers. 

Whispers pleas of mercy and to allow her to keep Dani.

Whispers her prayers and hopes that maybe, just maybe Viola can hear her. 

She’s selfish. She wants more time with Dani, more time in their lives together without the drawn back Dani that walks beside her now.

She whispers and whispers until she falls asleep, just hoping for a possibility to save Dani. 

* * *

“How many years in this kitchen? My cooking is still shite.” Jamie curses at her pot, knowing that this dish may be ruined before its even been properly made. “What happened there, then?”

“Found it on the street, wanted to save it.” She can’t help but smile, because this is Dani and she’s so pure and good. Of course, she’d see a plant and want to save it. 

“Give it here, then.”

She pulls the plant up by the roots. “There’s your problem. Your roots--” She feels in the dirt and finds a ring. “Dani, why is there…”

“Here’s the thing. You’re my best friend and the love of my life. And I don’t know how much time we have left. But however much it is, I want to spend it with you. And I know we can’t technically get married, but I also don’t really care. We can wear the rings and we’ll know. Okay? And that’s enough for me, if it’s enough for you.”

“I reckon that’s enough for me,” she smiles through her tears. Never thought she'd be the marrying type. 

It’s something only another queer person can understand. The way that you pretend not to want to get married, as if the choice is yours. You get to decide your future, even if there’s an ache inside of you knowing even if you  _ did _ want to get married, you couldn’t. Even if you tried to make it a decision that was yours alone, it wasn’t. 

She kisses Dani and then again and again, until all she’s doing is kissing Dani until she has to pull away to wrap her arms around her. “I love you,” she whispers as she cradles Dani’s face in her hands. Her precious person. Her most important person. 

“I love you too,” Dani whispers back. She whispers it like it’s the only thing she knows is true, is real. 

Both of them were real, and here. 

* * *

Owen is one of the first people they tell, because he’s family. All the family they have left in the world. They’re still struggling to find answers, well Jamie is still struggling to find answers. Days pass and Dani seems less and less there as she tries.

A trip to Paris. 

It’ll be good for the both of them, she reckoned as she booked the tickets. Go see Owen and explore the city of love. It’s been ten years since they’ve been in Europe, since Jamie’s been back across the pond. She’s spent more of her life now in America than she did in her adult life in England. Never thought she’d end up with an entire life in America. An entire life that she was trying so hard to preserve. 

It’d been ten years together and they deserved something like this. 

Bloody hell, she’d get on an airplane for that, even if it meant gripping Dani’s hand through most of the flight and being frozen with fear during each bump. 

Even the more loss Dani seemed, she never made Jamie feel that way. Never stopped caring for Jamie and being her person when she needs it. 

They stay in a little hotel on the outskirts of Paris, near where Owen’s restaurant is. Owen had offered to have them stay with him, but they declined. As much as seeing him was a big part of the trip, it wasn’t the entire trip. The trip was for the two of them and the alone time they needed away from their daily life. The daily grind of things that came with owning your own business and dealing with a monster in the forest. Dani didn’t seem so far away in the days since they were in Paris. 

Jamie could see lights in her eyes and her spirit that Jamie hadn’t realized she had missed so dearly. Dani deserved to be happy, to have the light air around her. 

Her whispers at night have become more desperate. 

_ Please _ , she says, quiet enough to not wake Dani. 

_ Please _ , she cries. 

Their second day they stop for dinner at Owen’s restaurant. It’s so wonderful to see him again. After spending years working alongside him, it’s good to see him again. He doesn’t seem older, but there’s grey in his moustache that must match the grey hairs she’s finding more and more in her own hair. 

Dani’s hair hasn’t seemed to change. Age looked good on both of them, but it was almost like Dani was stuck in time, back when everything was easier and she didn't have two different souls inside one body.

She forgot how dark his mark was until they hugged each other. The empty space of what used to be colors is so dark, that it feels more empty than anything else. 

In her nightmares, it haunts her. The notion of having black swirled across her face once, no,  _ if _ Dani dies first. Nothing would be able to hide the mark in her nightmares. It was an empty, deep hole left inside of her that the whole world could see. Everyone could see that she had something beautiful, just for it to be ripped away from her. She wakes up from those nightmares in a silent horror, keeping herself as still as possible as she cries, not wanting to wake Dani. Dani who’s always woken up with her nightmares before. She knew Dani’s hands would comfort her better than anything else, but she didn’t want to speak the words. Didn’t want those words to be spoken into existence. 

At the end of dinner, Dani asks to stay behind with Owen. Asks that Jamie leaves her to go to the room first, insists it’s something small and silly she wants to discuss. Something like hurt pings her heart, but she agrees, pressing a kiss against Dani’s cheek before retreating. 

She wonders for the entire time Dani is gone why she wanted to stay to chat with Owen alone. Because Dani made it clear that she wanted this alone time. Some sort of panic arose in her chest as she shattered her brain trying to figure out why. What has she done? All questions that wrap themselves around her neck like a noose, pulling until she can not breathe properly. 

It’s only about a half hour before Dani returns to their room. A room with two bedrooms because the hotel had just assumed, but it was alright, they fit comfortably on the full sized bed. Jamie’s already changed by the time she comes back and in bed watching the small TV in front of the room. “Hey,” she greets Dani, but Dani doesn’t respond, instead she heads quickly into the bathroom. Jamie inhales deeply, trying to take her nerves off the edge. 

She isn’t sure how long it is until Dani comes back but she’s still sitting in bed, pretending to watch TV. The bathroom light is left on, the door opens just a craft. Over the past year, Dani’s needed a source of light in the darkness. Jamie’s taken some time to get adjusted to sleeping with one on, but for Dani, she’d do anything to make her more comfortable. 

“You goin’ to fill me in on that?” she questions once Dani’s crawled into bed. 

“It was nothing,” Dani said but Jamie just shook her head. Lying wasn’t something they did. 

“Didn’t seem like nothing, Dani. If there’s something wrong that I did..”

Dani interrupts her quickly, “no, no. it’s not you.” Dani tugs at her hand until they’re laying down in the bed facing each other. It’s more intimate like this, like the argument isn’t happening anymore and they’re sharing a secret. “You didn’t do anything. It’s just--” Dani drifts her gaze off from Jamie.

This is something Dani is struggling with, but doesn’t she know that she can share everything? That nothing will not be okay to talk about. 

“Dani,” Jamie whispers out, grabbing Dani’s hand from between them.

“I just, I needed to know what it felt like.”

Jamie is confused. “Felt what?”

Dani’s eyes have shut again, keeping Jamie out while all she wants is to be let in. “When Hannah died, I needed to know how it felt.” When she opens her eyes, they are filled with tears and Jamie moves closer to her. 

“Oh, baby. I don’t have any plans on dying anytime soon,” she reassures as she tucks a piece of hair from Dani’s face to behind her ear. 

“No, I don’t-- I mean, I wanted to know what it would feel like for  _ you _ .” 

Jamie wants to jump in bed, because why was Dani trying to figure that out, not when they still had so much time, didn’t they? Dani’s hand reaches out before she can move, keeping her laying down on the bed. “What?”

“I wanted to know what it’ll be like for you when I’m gone,” Dani whispers out, a secret she’s been holding onto, the fear that must come from being possessed by a ghost. 

It’s Jamie’s turn to cry, tears that make their way down her cheeks on their own accord. “ _ Dani _ ,” she whimpers out in pain. Pain of knowing that someday, maybe soon even, Dani would leave her. Dani wouldn’t be there and she can’t even fathom that existence. What was Jamie without Dani. Who is she without the love of her life? No, she never wants to know that. Never wants to have to experience what Owen had. “Don’t say that,” she begs out. 

“I want to make sure you’ll be okay.”

“I won’t be. I won’t be.” she repeats, shaking her head hard. No, there won’t be an “okay” to be if Dani is gone. Not dead, she couldn’t think even with that term. Gone. 

Jamie can’t help but crawl forward to be gathered in Dani’s arms. She wouldn’t be okay. Never. 

“Jamie,” Dani repeats, her hand is running through her hair to find a steady presence on her neck. An anchor holding her to this realm and this moment. “You’ll be. It won’t kill you.”

Jamie shakes her head, trembling with the ache of loss that she hasn’t experienced yet. “You won’t let it. Promise me.” 

Jamie doesn’t know how to respond to that. Dani doesn’t demand things from Jamie, but this feels like a demand. This feels like something Dani needs to know. Needs to know that Jamie won’t die if, go forbid, they don’t figure it out and Dani gets consumed by the beast in the jungle, by  _ Viola _ . Isn’t this what Jamie would want though? If she had to die, if Viola was lurking in the background of her mind, wouldn’t she want Dani to promise she would live. Because life was so much more beautiful with Dani in it. She didn’t bring that beauty to the world, she’d gladly take over Dani’s place. Because Dani deserves to  _ live _ . 

She deserves to live and live well. She doesn’t know how her life will go on once Dani’s gone. “ _ Dani _ ,” she says desperately against her neck. 

Dani pulls back until they can look at each other. Her hand comes up and presses against Jamie’s soulmark. Presses against it hard, a tether to each other that causes Jamie to shake. “Promise me,” Dani asks again, staring right at Jamie. “Please, Jamie,” she begs and Jamie can’t. She can’t not promise, not when Dani is begging her. Even though she knows that this won’t end like Dani thinks it will, she’ll promise. 

Even if there isn’t a Dani, there will be a Jamie. Because Dani had asked her to live. And she wouldn’t refuse Dani anything. 

“I promise,” she whispers out, making a deal with the universe. “I love you,” she has to say the words that keep them tethered to the ground. 

“I love you,” Dani promises back, keeping her hand pressed firmly against her jaw, Jamie leans into the comfort that only came from Dani’s touch. Comfort that came between the two of them in the life they had built together. 

She isn't sure who moves into the kiss first, but it doesn’t matter. All that matters is Dani is kissing her. Kissing her like she’s something precious, something that she cherishes so much. Those thoughts of Dani will never fail to make Jamie’s chest well up with love. 

Hands are all Jamie feels as Dani pushes over her, kissing her deeply. Dani’s hands are heavy against her and her mouth is obscenely good as she kisses her way to Jamie’s neck. 

With tears residual still on her face, she feels heat rush up her body as Dani’s fingers skirt against the hem of her pajama shorts. She thinks she hears a whispered  _ please _ from Dani, so she nods and helps drag her pants off, giving Dani’s hands free roam. They pull each other’s shirts off quickly. 

They’ve done this dance for the last ten years, but tonight feels different. Feels something new that she hasn’t experienced before, feels more like worship than just sex.

* * *

“Those words. At the lake, what were those words you said?” she asks as they are laying in bed, Dani is pulled up against her. The night had been rough, but there was comfort found in each other’s arms. 

“Why?”

“Dani, what were the words?” she insists, the idea formulating in her head has become stronger and stronger. If only they had more time to figure it out, figure out how to get  _ Viola _ gone from their lives forever. Each day, Jamie can see Dani slipping more and more away. “Those words you said, what were they?”

“You, me, us.” Dani whispers and Jamie has to turn her head to hear her. 

“Alright, so we just say them.”

“Jamie,” Dani says maybe too loudly as she startles up in bed. She’s sitting and glares down at her like she’s told her the most awful thing in the world. 

“Dani, listen. We say those words and then… she can come into me.”

“Jamie, no.”

“No, I say those words and maybe she’ll hop into my head for a while instead.”

“Jamie, we can’t. We don’t know.” Dani fumbles with words, but Jamie has sat up in time and takes Dani’s head into her hands. 

“We don’t know, Dani, but it could work. Maybe she’d enjoy the accent.” 

Even with the joke, Dani’s face doesn’t change, she doesn’t pull a laugh out of Dani, draws nothing except for Dani’s hands connecting with her own. “ _ Jamie _ .”

It isn’t that Jamie thinks she could handle the beast more than Dani, but it’s about buying more time. Time they can spend figuring out what she wants and how they can get her to stop. Get her to just quiet down and let them live their lives together. Maybe because she’s more selfish than Dani. She’s more selfish in the need to have more time together. She knows the more Dani drifts away from her, the less Dani will share, less of a burden she will make herself. Until the point that Jamie can’t even imagine. Can’t imagine death taking either one of them. 

And because in the pit of her heart she knows. If one of them is to die, it should be her. Dani deserves life more than she ever has. 

“What if it doesn’t?”

“Then we can say we’ve tried and we can keep looking for more ways to try.”

“But if she…” Dani drifts off the thought, her fingers are rested against her jaw, her mark and Jamie’s eyes flutter shut at the sensation. It’s unfair when Dani does this while they’re arguing or discussing something, because Jamie’s skin develops goosebumps. And there’s a heat that arises from within her body and she aches for more. 

“And if does?” Dani whispers, her gaze at the mark. The more she catches Dani looking at her, it’s always down at her mark. 

Jamie studies it in the mirror as well, because maybe it has been fading, but she doesn’t feel any different. To her it still looks bright and a constant reminder that Dani is here and hers. 

“It could work and we could have  _ so _ many more years together. Live so much more time together. Let me do this.  _ Please _ . Let me do this for you.”

Dani draws quiet, her fingers still resting on her mark. 

She lets them sit in the silence, lets her words get absorbed. No movement happens, not yet, the only sound is Dani’s breath as she gently sweeps her fingers across Jamie’s jaw. 

No words are spoken as Dani finally moves and tugs Jamie towards her in an embrace. A hug that is too tight to mean anything other than  _ you are the most important thing _ . 

Dani hugs her and Jamie lets herself be the anchor to Dani’s thoughts and being. Holding her down, keeping her from flying away and getting hurt. 

For so long, she thought of an anchor to be something bad. Something that was hurtful, but since being with Dani, since the nearly 12 years have passed.. It’s not that. Being Dani’s anchor has been Dani's home. Being the one that could be depended upon, no matter what. For as much as being an anchor is for Dani, it’s for herself as well. It’s the first time in her life she feels like she belongs. Truly belongs somewhere and with someone. 

Dani’s her string, her attachment to the entire world. 

“Not tonight,” Dani finally whispers against Jamie’s neck. “Not now.”

Jamie hums her agreement, because Dani said not yet. 

But she didn’t say not ever. 

* * *

The conversation lingers in both of their minds for the next few days. They are good days. Days where Dani can work in the shop and smile at customers that come in. Days where Jamie isn’t forced between working and staying in bed with Dani’s mind being attacked by Viola. 

They’re on the couch, watching a movie that they’ve seen hundreds of times at this point. But it’s Dani’s favorite and Jamie will watch it a thousand times if it brings her peace. 

“Okay,” Dani finally says. “We can--We can try.”

Jamie smiles because it's what she’s been hoping for. Whatever Dani is carrying, she’ll take it. Let her hold onto it for the next ten years or longer. Dani’s done so much of the heavy lifting in the relationship, now it’s Jamie’s turn to hold the weight of the world for her. 

When they say the words to each other, they’re sitting on their bed. The light from the bathroom lands on Dani’s legs and Jamie sees her bright mark in the arm. A mark she’s never grown tired of seeing. Knowing that she was Dani’s. Knows that the mark links them together as much as their loves does. 

“Ready?” she asks, connecting their hands together in front of them. 

The situation is so different than before. They’ve come to this conclusion together. Decided this together. 

And Jamie knows what she’s getting. Dani hadn’t understood what the words meant before, hadn’t understood that her soul would be connected with someone from decades and decades ago. 

“It’s you. It’s me. It’s us.”

They say the words to each other and it feels like the world changes, but in fact, everything stays the exact same in their house. Nothing has moved mountains in the words. Except now, Jamie has this screaming, raging woman in her head instead of Dani’s. She can feel it as soon as the words are over. Can feel the rage lingering beneath her skin. She wonders why Dani never told her about this anger. Even with this anger, Dani had never shown it. Never let this anger out. 

“Your mark,” Dani says first, bringing her hand up to touch it. “It’s bright,” she is breathless, taking in the mark while Jamie crinkles her forehead, trying to get used to this intruder who now resides inside of her. 

“Your eyes,” Jamie whispers, seeing Dani’s blue eyes for the first time in twelve years. Even though she loved the brown eye, just as much, Dani looks so young again. The weight on her shoulders has been lifted and it’s like she can breathe again. And even if Jamie’s breathing is a little harder, it’s completely worth it. 

Completely. 

* * *

Viola’s quiet for the next few years. She’s eating at the part of Jamie that she buried a long time ago. Eating away at the life that she left behind in England. 

The first year is the most critical for Dani. Dani fusses over her more than she’s ever done before. Makes sure Jamie’s head is alright and that she’s okay. For Jamie, not much has changed for herself, just the sense of doom that lingers in the back of her throat. 

But Viola is quiet and they find their rhythm again. 

Dani’s back to running the front end of the business and handling the finances that Jamie’s almost ruined in the past years. Dani was much better at that stuff than she was. 

No one comments on her two different colored eyes, too preoccupied with her mark that is so bright again, Jamie thinsk herself a fool for thinking it hadn’t faded before. It makes her know her decision was the right one. Because now the mark is bright and Dani is brighter. 

She can handle the doom, as long as there is music in the background and her hands are deep in soil. 

Jamie continues living her life, just like she did when Viola was in Dani. She can understand the notion now. There’s someone watching her, matching her movements. Almost like she’s training for something. Training to take over and  _ be _ her. It doesn’t make sense, but she resides inside of Jamie, clinging to everything. 

She’ll take the ache. Jamie understood the rules when she accepted Viola into herself. She accepted those notions because it meant Dani was still with her, still here and  _ alive _ . 

When she reappears, it’s after six years. Jamie finally sees her in the mirror and jumps. This time it’s Dani’s whose hands are brushing her grey hair from her face, keeping their eyes linked together and reminding her that it’s alright, they’re alright. 

Her hair has faded into grey during the past few years, going from a few strands to almost an entire head of greys. Not white, a dark grey that Dani loves. Jamie has to keep Dani’s out of her hair now more than ever before. Even when she was young and the curls were strong, Dani’s hands were now more interested in caressing it. At first, Jamie wasn’t sure if she liked it. “Bloody, lucky me,” she gripes to Dani one evening, trying to get the new style of hair right. 

“Lucky  _ me _ ,” Dani says with a smile, grabbing her from behind and resting her head on Jamie’s shoulder. 

“You’re not the one going grey, I’m only 46 for fucks sake.”

Dani turns her head and presses a kiss to Jamie’s neck. “I like the grey,” she says again, trying to convince Jamie that it isn’t terrible. She wants to gripe more about it, but then Dani’s hands are slipping underneath her shirt and all other conversations leave her mind. 

Even after all their years together, Dani’s kisses to her neck make her clench. When her lips connect with her mark, Jamie’s hips jump on their own accord. “Dani,” she warns. “We’re supposed to go have dinner with Mic--” her words are cut off by Dani’s grasp on her hips turning her around, pressing her against the bathroom counter. 

“We have time,” she says, her hands push up her top, searching for skin to touch. Jamie rolls her eyes at the insinuation. They’ve been late like this before and it only caused more and more teasing from the family they’ve found in Vermont. People who knew them and their love and didn’t care. Finding the sense of community that Jamie realized she had missed so much. 

“The grey does it for you?” Jamie asks as Dani’s hand moves down her trousers and slips under her pants before touching running her fingers against Jamie’s sex. Jamie grips hard against the counter, keeping her body supported as Dani grins at her. 

“ _ You _ do it for me.” 

If Dani likes the grey, it stays. After a while, Jamie likes it as well. It’s different, but she’s still her.

Even with Viola screaming in her head, life goes on. Even when she sees her more and more often in the mirror, they pressure through together. Jamie thinks maybe she didn’t give Dani enough credit for all the noise inside her head. All the times it frustrated Jamie had only made Dani kind and patient and wonderful. Qualities that Dani had inside of her forever. Dani still brings their mouths together and holds Jamie when the screaming gets loud. They still love each other, just as much if not more than they did twelve years ago, or even six when they switched. 

The shared experience of Viola brought them together. 

It’s the way Dani brushes her hair because she can’t bare to look in the mirror. How Dani now does the washing up and how she finds a reason to stay around when Jamie’s in the bathroom where the mirror often catches her attention. 

Jamie can’t help but stare at her. 

She hates her. 

But at the same time, she listened to her pleas. Viola had listened to her begs to take her instead, to relinquish her hold on Dani. All the nights whispering pleas to Viola made her more real. Made the switch more meaningful. She didn’t tell Dani about this. Didn’t tell her that she had already made a deal with Viola long before they said those words. Her life for Dani’s. It seemed fair at the time. 

Now, she was selfish. 

Selfish in wanting more and more time. 

Viola screams at her because she keeps fighting, keeps trying to find a way out of this arrangement she’s made. 

* * *

She’s fifty by the time she goes back to seeing a therapist. It takes a few tries for her to find someone like Tamara, someone that listens and pushes her. Maybe she should have asked Dani to go to therapy when it was her head Viola resided in. But she didn’t and she knew she wouldn't have. Because there was nothing wrong with Dani. And Dani didn’t need the scrutiny that came along with therapy in the wrong hands. 

Dani picks her up from each appointment, even though she insists she can walk the short distance by herself. 

Lincoln is understanding, but skeptical. She doesn’t tell him the whole story, just the basics that there is this screaming inside her head that she can’t get rid of. This immense sense of doom that lingers behind her at all times. She’s unsure when he wants to put her on some medication, unsure if this is the correct answer for her. Viola screams out in rage at the suggestion, causing her to physically recoil from the man when he first mentioned it. 

But he says what is the harm of trying? They can always scale back if it doesn’t work. And it’s obvious that Viola doesn’t want it.

So she agrees. 

She doesn’t notice any changes straight away. Viola still lingers and pushes some nights, keeping her up with an uneasy stomach and aching headache. 

One day is particularly hard. She can barely get out of bed in the morning, her entire body feeling tense, like she’s been crushed into skin that doesn’t  _ fit _ . She promises Dani that she’ll be fine. They’re needed down at the shop, but Dani pushes for her to stay home, just for the day. 

And Dani’s hands are gentle as they push her back to bed, pulling the blankets until they cocoon around her. “Stay in bed,” she says and Jamie nods, still unable to deny her of anything she asks. 

She doesn’t expect Dani to come home during the lunch break. The shower is running and Jamie is sitting in the bathtub, letting the water hit her like rain on her back. 

Dani sinks down on the floor next to the bathtub, just staying close to Jamie as she lets the water pound against her. In the noise, she can hear nothing else. Only the sound of the water and the feel of the heat scorching her back. 

“You shouldn’t,” she finally really notices Dani’s presence after a few minutes. “The store.”

Dani shakes her head. “Closed up for the night.”

Jamie hums, her hands go from her calves to pushing her hair back from clinging around her neck like a noose. “What time is it?” she asks and Dani’s eyes leave her. “Half past two.”

It had only been a half hour since she got into the shower, maybe that was why the water was getting cooler and cooler each minute, she drained the hot water. “Sorry, I didn’t mean,” she drifts off again. “My head.” She glances down to look at Dani’s mark. A mark that she thinks is taunting her, looking more faded each day she looks down. She understands now why Dani’s eyes always looked at her mark. Her mark that is still bright and glowing, something that Dani still touches, still grounds herself to. Jamie reaches out of the tub, grabbing Dani’s arm in her own, letting her fingers run against the unblemished skin. Dani inhales quickly as she presses her fingers into the mark, feeling the only dull comfort she can on days like this. Feels Dani’s mark radiating, saying she’s still there. They’re still there. Together. 

Dani turns off the tap and Jamie shivers at the cold air that now rushes into the tub. Dani helps her to stand up, wraps her hair in a towel. The curls try to take shape after the shower, but after a good brush and dry, they’ll fade again. Dani’s brought one of her good robes out for Jamie to slip into. It’s warm and she lets Dani lead the way to the bed.

Lets Dani’s hands guide her into bed, where Dani slips into next to her. “Do you want company?” she asks and Jamie feels tears welling up in her eyes. She can’t speak, so she reaches over and squeezes her hand as tightly as she can. 

* * *

It takes a few weeks, but the noise softens with the medication. The good days outweigh the bad and Jamie feels like she can live again. 

Lincoln gives her another medication and that one almost completely shuts her up. The screaming is gone, there is no rage or sense of dread on her normal days. She has medication for the bad days, meds that make it stop completely. 

She doesn’t tell Dani until she’s sure she has it down. Doesn’t want to give them hope where there really isn’t any. 

But she does tell her, after a few weeks of quiet. Dani asks about her headache in the morning, one that wasn’t caused by Viola making a fuss, but by the lack of caffeine when she woke up. The implication of Viola always lingers in the air, but not this time. “I feel good now.”

“And, she?” Dani asks, her voice a little strained, but Jamie just smiles at her. 

“It’s just you and me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow! it's over! thank you for all the love and support <3 comments give me life and i want to hear your thoughts about the ending! and i can clarifying anything else. this work was my baby for the last month, so i'm sad to see it done, but i'm happy how it ended!

**Author's Note:**

> please leave kudos and comments if you liked it! i have most of it written out, but gotta finish it up. comments speed me up and give me life. <3


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